Animals

Horoscope Contest Results!

Strange illusory hand building a paper house.

As stated in a previous post, our famous horoscope contest was entirely rigged. So unless you send us your contact info again, we will not be able to award any prizes. A certain Jonathan Axelrod supposedly wrote all the entries, which is what tipped us off to the fact that it was rigged; but here […]

The Tale of the Dog

Jim Jocifero

A children’s story Once upon a time there was a dog. A big, brown dog, with shaggy fur and yellow eyes. He was a very brave dog. When strangers came by his house, he would not run away. He would bark at them. “Woof, woof!” the dog would say. And the neighbours would run away. […]

The Dog and the Cat and the Tire

Jim Jocifero

Once there were a dog and a cat. “Woof, woof!” said the dog. “Meow,” said the cat. “Woof,” said the dog. “Meow, meow,” said the cat. And they talked for several minutes like this, until they got bored and walked away. The dog went to find some rags to chew on. The cat went to […]

Does Your Dog Have a Sleeping Disorder?

Jim Jocifero

Now that veterinarians get paid almost as much as doctors, the human race has become more concerned about the health of pets. So, when your dog starts barking from his doghouse in the wee hours of the morning, instead of worrying about a possible burglar snooping around the house, you naturally start to wonder, “Does […]

Some Statistics You Might Find Interesting

Vim Vocifero

Largest number of simultaneous nose pickers: 1,293,2991 How often the average American™ belches: 17 times per day2 Average age at which the average American™ finds a permanent full-time job: 33.45 years3 Number of bubbles in a glass of beer: 12,394,1294 Percentage of those under twenty who value their Playstation more than their parents: 74.3%5 Percentage […]

The Python

Hilaire Belloc

The Python A Python I should not advise,— It needs a doctor for its eyes, And has the measles yearly. However, if you feel inclined To get one (to improve your mind, And not from fashion merely), Allow no music near its cage; And when it flies into […]

Converting Units of Horses to Cows

Jim Jocifero

Dear The Flying News, How do you convert between units of horses and cows? Would it be correct to use their respective weights, the amount they eat, the cost of purchase, the weight of meat alone (lean or full-fat?), or meat plus gallons of milk produced? The reason I need to know is that I […]

A Tiger and a Killer Bee whose Home was a Cedar

Jim Jocifero

A cat flying with a honeybee under a palm tree in the sunshine.

Once upon a time, there was a tall, majestic Cedar. Except it wasn’t really a cedar, and it wasn’t really very tall or majestic; it was more of a middle-sized palm tree. But this palm tree was named Cedar. Under this palm tree named Cedar lived a ferocious Tiger. Except it was not so much […]

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