Frequently Asked Questions
Have you added any Q’s and A’s to this page lately?
Yes, indeed! Mostly at the bottom.
Why Should I Read The Flying News?
There are as many good answers as there are readers. For some, reading The Flying News is just a great way to keep up with the latest and most important developments in such crucial areas as rock music at professional conferences, the importance of the ancient philosopher Heraclitus for modern digital technology, and the breeding of pet alligators. For others, The Flying News is a vital source of recipes and lifestyle advice. For our most devoted readers, however, The Flying News provides a new and improved outlook on life. George N. Hendricks, of Long Beach, California, has this to say about the effect of The Flying News:
It used to be that I’d come home in the evening and, despite all my best intentions and strongest resolutions, I’d overdose, totally overdose, on doughnuts. This wasn’t only a Friday-and-Saturday-night kind of thing. It was every day, seven nights of the week, fifty-four weeks in the year. I’d wake up the next morning, not knowing where I was, with no idea what I’d been doing all night, and with the most terrific throbbing hangover.
But now, after becoming a devoted reader of The Flying News, my life is transformed. Every morning, I surge out of bed like Athena springing forth from the mighty head of Zeus, shouting challenges: “The Flying News,” I cry. Every nerve in my body stands up straight and quivers with vigor.
I can’t tell you how immensely grateful I am for this tremendous beneficial upheaval in my life. I don’t know how to even begin to express my thanks.
How big is your staff?
About 5 1/2 ft long, just right for walking. And for knocking thugs in the head before they get too close.
Where did the name The Flying News come from?
We adapted the title of a book by G. K. Chesterton, The Flying Inn.
Is The Flying News really better than ice cream?
Well… when you put it that way… Yes!
If BFA stands for “Bachelor of Fine Arts,” what does BFF stand for?
This is quite a philosophical question, and one which we were just debating in a rather heated discussion ourselves.
Will one of you be my BFF?
Don’t you think the world would be a better place without you jerks?
While we cannot altogether discount the truth of that statement, we like to think we’re making the best of a bad situation.
Why are there rats in my attic?
Because there are horses in the basement.
Have you ever seen a headless camel?
What sound does a headless camel make?
None, for it has no ears.
If a camel falls in a forest, and it has no ears, does anyone make a sound?
Yes, the natives loudly rejoice before skinning it, making hair shirts from it, and barbecuing the carcass.
Does Jim Jocifero eat ice cream with a fork?
On a plate?
I knew it.
No you didn’t.
Is it a good idea to stand on my head?
As long as you’re wearing soft shoes.
Why is my house such a mess?
See answer to the question above regarding rats.
What if I drop clever notes in your mailbox with no return address? Wouldn’t that be fun?
Say, who do you think you are?
Hey, I’m asking the questions here.
When will it end?
When you begin.
Walrus “Walrus” courtesy of NOAA.
Photo of G. K. Chesterton, public domain, available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:G._K._Chesterton.jpg.
Headless Camel photo by Lynn Locifero.
2 CommentsAdd a Comment
I have a question: If my train leaves New York traveling westward at 365 miles per hour, while my second cousin twice removed Fred’s train leaves Los Angeles traveling eastward at 212 miles per hour, and there’s a small malfunction on one of the two trains, causing its engineer to swerve off course by 6 degrees to the north while the conductor shouts expletives to keep calm, at what point does the state of Kansas declare a national emergency in anticipation of the arrival of both trains carrying the two most important people in the world? Remember to carry the ones.
This page answers all the deepest questions of my darkest moments. I can’t believe I didn’t stumble upon it before. I was ready to give up my existentialism until I learned that you can make hairshirts out camels. Now I’m going to seek out the natives and live the rest of my days on barbecued dromedary.