Experiments in Instant Gratification

Sad gingerbread man cookie.

You know that experiment where they tell a child, “You can have one marshmallow now, or two later”? Most of the kids choose the one marshmallow now, showing “just how stupid most children are,” in scientific terminology. Under the direction of Big Science, the experiment is now being conducted in performance venues such as theatres […]

Happy Birthday Named National Anthem of Cyprus

Foreign eggman

The Republic of Cyprus recently went through an extensive period of revisionist history, the latest revision being the national anthem. For the last so many years,1 Cyprus has shared the national anthem of Greece, Hymn to Liberty. But lately, Cypriots voted to switch to Happy Birthday as their new national anthem. Hymn to Liberty is […]

Little Girl Refuses to Have Birthday, Stays Six Years Old

"Birthday13Slovakia1" by Jozef Kotulič - Own work. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Birthday13Slovakia1.JPG#mediaviewer/File:Birthday13Slovakia1.JPG: Modified.

Suzanne G. Corbett, of Dayton, OH, known to her friends as Suzie, recently refused to have a seventh birthday: I like being six years old, and my mommy says that when I’m seven, I’ll have to be a big girl and won’t be able to eat my mud pies anymore. This is, perhaps, a typical […]

How to Make a Jelly Doughnut

Someone cutting a dessert.

Easy Recipe – Only Two Ingredients! Welcome back to another episode of The Flying News Cooking Channel! In this episode, we will teach you how to make a Jelly Doughnut! With only Two Ingredients! What could be better?! Well, maybe a Cream Doughnut. Or a Jelly Waffle? Or a Jelly Waffle Whipped Cream Doughnut! Now, […]

Regrets

Outlandish antique computer.

Dear Sirs, We regret to inform you that the after-burner on your self-regulating laser-powered discombobulator has expired, and you will need to purchase a new set of fuel packs to re-energise it. If you choose not to purchase the update, the software on your discombobulator and all saved settings will be encrypted and a new […]

When to Buy a New Car

Odometer showing lots of miles.

Do you have an automobile? If so, you probably find yourself wondering, every few minutes, things like: “Do I need a new car?” “Does my car drive fast enough?” “Should I start wearing fur coats in the car?” “Should I stop brushing my teeth in the car?” “Should I stop running over cute little stray […]

Gender Neutral Brand Names

You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human […]