Regrets

Outlandish antique computer.

Dear Sirs, We regret to inform you that the after-burner on your self-regulating laser-powered discombobulator has expired, and you will need to purchase a new set of fuel packs to re-energise it. If you choose not to purchase the update, the software on your discombobulator and all saved settings will be encrypted and a new […]

When to Buy a New Car

Odometer showing lots of miles.

Do you have an automobile? If so, you probably find yourself wondering, every few minutes, things like: “Do I need a new car?” “Does my car drive fast enough?” “Should I start wearing fur coats in the car?” “Should I stop brushing my teeth in the car?” “Should I stop running over cute little stray […]

Gender Neutral Brand Names

You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human […]

Discover the Secret Meaning of Your Name

What I Legibly Lament I Always Maintain.

Have you ever wondered if your name has a secret meaning? Do you stay up nights and ponder how you came to be called “So-and-so” or “What’s-his-name?” And if, perhaps, therein lies the meaning of your life, which you have diligently searched out here, there, and everywhere, yet still have yet to find? Search no […]

Is Homemade Candy on Your Holiday To-Do List? If So, Think Again

Everyone knows you can’t give out homemade Halloween candy. If you try to, it will be mysteriously injected with poison, and children will die.1 But most people don’t realise that the same applies to Christmas. Ever since the Dark Ages, that is, the 1950’s, strangers have been poisoning children. This is why children do not […]

Return Trip from the Moon

Boy wearing mask over eyes that reads "NO MASKS"

Funny thing—just back from a trip to the moon last week (I do travel occasionally), after being gone for nine months or so (no sense in hurrying back). Fine trip, quite relaxing, took a load off my shoulders, made me feel lighter than air.1 Anyway, on my return, there seemed to be a lot more […]

Tasteful Tips for Fine Dining Fun

The stressful elements of Fine Dining™ can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]

Scientists Say Bats Aren’t Really Blind

Scientist holding a bat.

Most people, except for small children who don’t know any better, think that bats are blind. This so-called myth/misunderstanding/downright lie is perpetuated by the popular saying “blind as a bat” as applied to people like my grandmother who can’t see her medicine jar on the kitchen table. Why does she need all those medicines anyway? […]