Why You Need Professional Sports In Your Life

Image in public domain. Original available at http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6e/Football_%28soccer_ball%29.svg.

This story could just as easily have been called “Why your ears bleed when you sleep upside-down,” because as everyone knows, the editors who write the headlines don’t actually read the articles first. But that’s beside the point. What we’re explaining today is why professional sports matter, and I mean matter in your life and […]

All About Red Lights

If you live or work in the vicinity of a large, North American city, you are likely to encounter red lights—instead of the roundabouts favored (or favoured) by Jim Jocifero and his ilk—with an unwelcome frequency. So no doubt you, like us, have formulated a surprising number of questions about this common roadway phenomenon. Here, […]

Tectonic Knights Attacking West Coast of America (Still)

Flags of certain states.

It is widely reported that some underground cultish warriors have been attacking the West Coast of North America on a somewhat regular basis for as long as any of us can remember. These warriors are known as Tectonic Knights. Apparently, they form something called Vault Lines and try to knock down any building that happens […]

Christmas Parties Take Their Toll

Dead man on couch.

Three weeks before Christmas, on 4 December, Mr. Edgar Rolton was pronounced dead after suddenly collapsing at the very end of a festive holiday party. Several friends tried to resuscitate the man, aged 45, while his wife (widow) looked on in utter grief. Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter but even they failed to resuscitate him. The […]

Toledo Resident Celebrates Christmas 2019 in 2018

Catherine Sullivan, resident of Toledo, Ohio, has decided to celebrate Christmas 2019 in 2018. At The Flying News, we don’t usually get around to celebrating until December 24th, so we sent Ryan Rocifero to investigate this phenomenon. Catherine Sullivan: Around here, if you haven’t started celebrating Christmas by mid-November, you’re a loser. It used to […]

The True Meaning of Christmas

Bar chart showing Europeans know better than Americans.

When asked in a recent survey what the true meaning of Christmas is, 53% of Americans answered “Santa Claus”, 38% answered “Evergreens”, 7% answered “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, and 2% answered “Other.” When the survey was given to Europeans, “Evergreens” ranked highest at 47%, “Santa Claus” came in at 43%, and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” […]

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert […]

Recipe: Charred Chard

While it’s likely you’ve at least heard of “chard,” you may, regrettably, have only the merest passing acquaintance with the substance. So we won’t assume anything. Rather, we’ll begin with the assumption that you’re about in the position of one of those hapless souls who purchases a “For the Complete and Total Moron” style publication. […]