Is Homemade Candy on Your Holiday To-Do List? If So, Think Again

Everyone knows you can’t give out homemade Halloween candy. If you try to, it will be mysteriously injected with poison, and children will die.1 But most people don’t realise that the same applies to Christmas. Ever since the Dark Ages, that is, the 1950’s, strangers have been poisoning children. This is why children do not […]

Return Trip from the Moon

Boy wearing mask over eyes that reads "NO MASKS"

Funny thing—just back from a trip to the moon last week (I do travel occasionally), after being gone for nine months or so (no sense in hurrying back). Fine trip, quite relaxing, took a load off my shoulders, made me feel lighter than air.1 Anyway, on my return, there seemed to be a lot more […]

Tasteful Tips for Fine Dining Fun

The stressful elements of Fine Dining™ can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]

Scientists Say Bats Aren’t Really Blind

Scientist holding a bat.

Most people, except for small children who don’t know any better, think that bats are blind. This so-called myth/misunderstanding/downright lie is perpetuated by the popular saying “blind as a bat” as applied to people like my grandmother who can’t see her medicine jar on the kitchen table. Why does she need all those medicines anyway? […]

Merchants Begin Preparation for Christmas

Christmas may be far in the future for most of us, but not for the American Merchants’ Financial Association. Last week, the AMFA board launched a new campaign to prepare for this year’s holiday season. One of the key aspects of this campaign is a plea to the American people to remember the importance of […]

When to Upgrade Your Computer

Do you have a computer? If so, you’ve certainly considered adding more RAM, salivated over a more powerful graphics card, or perhaps thought about buying a whole new system. You’ve wondered: “Do I need to upgrade my computer?” Don’t lose sleep wondering. Just follow the simple directions below to determine whether or not you need […]

Automatic Bathroom Fixtures Lead To Weight Gain

A new study, “Automated Bathroom Fixtures as a Contribution to Obesity in So-Called Advanced Societies,” appeared last Tuesday in the Journal of Luddite Studies Concerning Advanced Technology. This article, by Silvius Fractor and Jacob Leland, argues persuasively that a significant and previously unrecognized factor in the so-called obesity epidemic is the proliferation of automated bathroom […]

How to Protect Yourself from The Plague

Memento Mori

There’s been a lot of talk (maybe a little too much talk) these days about the newest coronavirus on the block,1 and everyone seems to be running away from it, without knowing exactly which way to run. But, lest we forget all the other looming, lurking, dark, and dreary diseases out there, we decided to […]