As stated in a previous post, our famous horoscope contest was entirely rigged. So unless you send us your contact info again, we will not be able to award any prizes. A certain Jonathan Axelrod supposedly wrote all the entries, which is what tipped us off to the fact that it was rigged; but here are some of his better horoscopes for your reading enjoyment. And since so many were submitted, this time you get double the fun!1
Aries: Bring on the war! Bring on the war! Actually, better sue for peace before you get your head chopped off.
Napoleon: It’s never really a good time to invade Russia.
Taurus: Some people think that you’re boring. They would rather have their teeth drilled out by a beady-eyed dentist than listen to you. They would happily run out into the middle of the highway in rush hour to get away from you. They just feel like you drain their life away. They might be correct.
Gemini: Tomorrow you’ll run into Aquarius, who will tell you that he’s just spoken to Aries. However, he won’t tell you what Aries just told him. Just then, Virgo will appear and tell you she has wonderful news from Scorpio, and that Libra is interested in meeting you. But when Virgo tells you the news from Scorpio, you’ll be seized by a hysterical fit of envy, making it impossible for you to fulfil Libra’s desire. Your life is ruined, but look on the bright side: there’s always tomorrow.
Cancer: So why aren’t you dead yet?
Leo: Your shoelaces are untied.
Virgo: Your shoelaces are tied together.
Libra: Don’t worry if your life seems a little dry right now. Soon things will pick up. Potential romantic partners will start asking for dates. They’ll show up on your doorstep with flowers. They’ll be swooning over you, and fighting for your attention. Enjoy it as much as you can, because at some point they’ll realize [sic] you’re not right for them after all.
Scorpio: Shadows from the past will be the theme of your day. Just grit your teeth and bear it.
Sagittarius: You’ve wasted so much time watching TV that you can’t do anything you want to anymore. Just goes to show, if you know what I mean.
Capricorn: Rainbows will fall from the sky. Some of them will hit you on the head.
Aquarius: Pisces thinks you’d be a good home.
Pisces: Aquarius wants to swallow you whole.
Aries: Nothing makes your day like a shoe full of ice cream.
Taurus: The little black specks in your ice cream might be real vanilla beans. Or they might just be dirt.
Mercedes: You seem to have got the bends.
Gemini: The Flying News is the best thing that ever happened to you!2
Cancer: Ok, so you have some really serious disease. Don’t expect everyone’s sympathy.
Leo: Remember that day in school when all your friends laughed at you? Yeah.
Virgo: If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop drinking other people’s coffee.
Hybrid: You’re not the fastest car on the street, but at least you don’t drink gasoline and smell like smoke all the time.
Scorpio: After a long day of work, you sit back to relax, when suddenly a giant carnivorous reptile descends from a hole in the ceiling. You quickly grab a drywall knife and scrape the reptile back into the hole, then plug it up with joint compound. However, the reptile’s snout protrudes from the joint compound before it’s fully dry and latches onto your elbow. After several hours of pain from its fangs biting through your shirt sleeve, the ceiling patch is dry, but you still have to figure out how to get your elbow free. This may require some thought. But don’t worry, you’ll figure it out eventually.
Sagittarius: Always repeat bigfoot under the bathtub uncannily.
Cornucopia: Your life may seem plentiful now, but it’s sure to run out eventually.
Aquarius: Once a day, try standing on your head with your eyes closed.
Pisces: Follow your dreams, but don’t blame me when you wake up to find that’s all they were.
A special thanks to Jonathan Axelrod, whoever you really are, for writing 90% of this edition of The Flying News horoscopes!