Ten Things Your Dentist Won’t Tell You

Since my article on Ten Things Your Doctor Won’t Tell You was so popular, and since I also had occasion to visit my dentist—he invites me over for tea on a rather monthly basis—I now share with you the exactly and precisely 10 (not 9.99999 or 10.00001) things your dentist won’t tell you. Dentists are very cunning, and if you ever chance to visit one for tea, watch how he always serves you the kind with the highest fluoride content.

  1. Cavities are caused by tiny meteorites bouncing off your tongue while your teeth are in your mouth.
  2. I’ve started using permanent dental floss to lower my garbage footprint.
  3. I once punched someone’s teeth out in a bar fight. He came crawling back to me the very next day.
  4. Mercury is a great material for fillings1 because it’s so easy to swallow.
  5. Instead of drilling, the new standard is to use a jackhammer.
  6. You’re the first patient I’ve seen who still has both your teeth.
  7. I wear a studded leather belt with my pajamas.
  8. One more cavity and you’d be dead.
  9. I’ll floss you twice this visit. You’re getting more for your money that way.
  10. ”Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep, which come up from the washing, all with twins, and there is none barren among them.”

“Schoenbartbuch (Nurnberg Carnival Book) Nuremberg.” Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. Boston cream and jelly are also excellent fillings.

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