Converting Units of Horses to Cows

Jim Jocifero
31 May 2016
Headless camel.

Dear The Flying News,

How do you convert between units of horses and cows? Would it be correct to use their respective weights, the amount they eat, the cost of purchase, the weight of meat alone (lean or full-fat?), or meat plus gallons of milk produced?

The reason I need to know is that I own 267 horses and my neighbour owns 421 cows, and I need to know which one of us is more important.

Love,
Ranchero

 

Dear Ranchero,

The proper method is to use a factor of the age multiplied by weight, price of meat, day of the week on which butchering occurs, and day of the week horse races are held, divided by day of the week cow races are held, number of jockeys raised to the power of cowboys, price of feed, gallons of milk/cream/cheese/butter/margarine per week, colour of fur, number of feet on the ground minus number of arms, length of tail, number of jump starts required, number of riders carried at a time, and the distance to the nearest watering hole.

Here’s the equation:1

Horses/Cows = ( (Age x Weight)+(Price of Meat)x(Butchering Day)-(Horse Race Day/Cow Race Day)*(Number of Jockeys ^ Cowboys)+(Price of Feed)/(Gallons/week of Milk/Cream/Butter/Margarine)x(Colour of Fur)x(Feet on Ground – Arms)x(Tail Length)x(Jump Starts Required)x(Simultaneous Riders) )/(Distance to Watering Hole)

This should get you to where you can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you are superior to your neighbour, which I think is the solution you are looking for.

Love,
Jim

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  1. Keep in mind the order of operations. ↩

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