President Obama Declares National Flying News Day

Last night, the President of the United States held an emergency press conference in the White House at which he officially designated January 19th as National Flying News Day. “No other news organization,” said President Obama, “has had the impact on the civic life of our nation that The Flying News has had. Not only has The Flying News achieved the unprecedented feat of being named the Best New News Organization for two consecutive years, it has also been essential to the continued scientific progress of this nation.”

A senator, who spoke under the condition of anonymity, confided to Ryan Rocifero that, while he enjoyed the columns on environmental themes, especially the piece on recycled greeting cards, the articles that he found most useful in his work as a senator were the ones that gave him helpful advice, especially “Camouflage for the Office” and our review of the “Boss-Mode Hammock.”

Representative Mia Taylor (R. West Dakota), while herself an ardent fan of The Flying News, was incensed at the president’s announcement:

While I personally support The Flying News in every way possible, this action of the president is an entirely illegitimate preemption of the proper role of the elected legislative bodies. As chairman of the House Subcommittee on Holidays and Celebrations, I have been working for weeks to establish a National Flying News Appreciation Week. You can understand how frustrated I am by Obama’s action, which is, sadly, one among far too many examples of the usurpation of the legislature’s legitimate authority by other government officials.

When asked by a reporter how he first learned about The Flying News, President Obama explained that, while attempting to navigate rush-hour traffic in his presidential limousine, an unidentified man1 affixed a Flying News bumper sticker to his bumper. This incident led to his—the president’s—becoming a devoted reader.

Image Credits: “Obama at American University,” by Will White from Ridgefield, USA.
“Farmer’s Insurance Blimp,” by Prayitno from Los Angeles, USA.
Both images licensed CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Images altered and combined by Lynn Locifero of The Flying News. Combined image licensed CC-BY-2.0. The Flying News is not endorsed by President Obama, American University, Prayitno, Will White, Bill Clinton, George Bush, Aliens from Outer Space, gamma rays, the United States Senate, the Farmer’s Insurance Company, or anyone else.
By reading this article, you acknowledge that the act of reading The Flying News may lead to YOUR investigation by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the CIA, the FDA, the IRS, the BMV, the PZP, the KGB, the BMW, the ASCII, the ATMEL, and the LIDAR. You further agree to hold harmless The Flying News, its agents, representatives, publishers, staff, readers, the general public, and Thfwhqqz’ Jhjhks from the planet Aoaoao-Oeooeoee.

  1. Currently, the DHS have narrowed down the identity of this man to three possibilities: Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, and Elvis Presley. An arrest is expected in the very near future.

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