How to Bleach Your Hair

Laundry symbol for non-chlorine bleach when needed.

If you’ve never bleached your hair before, you might find yourself wondering about the process: Does hydrogen peroxide really make your hair blonde? Should I try it? How will it look? Will my friends still like me? Who are my friends anyway? What if they’re not my friends at all?

Well, I can’t answer all of those questions for you, but I can tell you a little something about bleaching hair. “Wait,” you ask, “how do you know all this stuff?” Well, you see, I am an expert. In fact, I just watched two videos about it on the Internet. That means I now know at least twice as much as you do about the subject. So if you want to learn about bleaching your hair, you’ve come to the right place.

The first step to bleaching your hair with hydrogen peroxide, as I have learned, is watching a video on the internet. If you want to be safe, watch two videos. This way you learn twice as much, and you learn from the mistakes of at least two other people before you make the same mistakes yourself.

The second step is to bleach your hair. Apparently (remember, I’m an expert), you need a few more ingredients than hydrogen peroxide, such as clarifying shampoo (whatever that is), conditioner, water, and something called hot oil. Supposedly it’s nice to have an “expert” to do it for you, too, but last I checked, you couldn’t buy an expert at the drug store—and anyway, I’m an expert so there you go. Other equipment that may be useful includes the following:

  • Bowl (I think that’s for putting the extra hair in when you’re done)
  • Toothbrush (who knew toothbrushes were ambidextrous?)
  • Comb
  • Towel
  • Shower (usually found where the towels are)
  • Bathroom (usually found where the showers are)
  • Hair (usually found near the shower drain)

The third step is a sort of negative step, which is to NOT wash your hair too much. Instead, you make it dirtier with that hot oil stuff. I suppose you can use the oil left over from making doughnuts (which I also happen to be an expert at). This might also make your hair taste like doughnuts.

The fourth step is to try to find your friends. This is the most difficult step. Chances are, they won’t recognise you, and if they do, they won’t like you anymore. Or they might like you better. Depends on what they thought of you in the first place. In my case—well, never mind my case, it’s none of your business!

There you have it: all the steps to bleaching your hair with hydrogen peroxide. A good time to try this out would be before going to a rock and roll concert, or a professional conference.

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