Jim Jocifero for Resident

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Dear Citizens1 of the United States, Iowa, Puerto Rico, and other Less Significant Territories:

It is with heartfelt sincerity that I wish to impress upon you the import of electing a well-qualified individual in the 2016 (A.D.) U.S. Residential Election. And if ever there was a well-qualified individual seeking election as U.S. Resident, certainly Jim Jocifero is that individual.

Indeed, Mr. Jocifero, Esq., has qualifications beyond that of any ordinary man. Jim Jocifero has indeed much practice, or rather, many practices, which make him well aware of the rights, responsibilities, and general know-how of being a Resident. He has held positions of the utmost near-residential status for weeks, months, and years on end. He is one of the most consequential persons of an era—”Consequentialism” is practically his middle name, and would be indeed if his parents had thought to name him so.

Mr. Jocifero is well-versed at both Residing and Dwelling, and does it quite well on a day-to-day basis already. He is only lacking the Place in which to reside, a Place which your forefathers fought so well to preserve from the likes of the Native Americans, whom you will surely say “weren’t doing much with it anyway.” Not only that, Jim (as his familiar relations are wont to refer to him) is quite a pleasant chap, easy to get along with, and usually even refrains from insulting his opponents during debates, so gracious is he.

He has also read the entire Constitution of the United States, including the Amendments, unlike all others running for office. He realises the Gravity, undiscovered until Isaac Newton dropped the Big Apple on Nagasaki, of the Residential Position and will not rest until his work as Resident of the United States of America is complete.

To the objections of any nay-sayers, we roundly rebut any arguments to the contrary. Does it matter that Mr. Jocifero has never actually lived in the United States before? Does it matter that his accent sounds a little “Old-World”? Indeed, does it even matter if Jim speaks King’s English with a tinge of Gaelic in the dialect? The Important Thing, upon which we rest our case, is that Jim—nay, Sir—Jocifero, stands (and even sits) foremost in Stateliness, Intelligence, and Sagacity.

Pleasepleaseplease elect Jim Jocifero, Esq., as the Next Resident of the United States of America. And in so doing, you will “make America a State again.”

Any opinions, facts, or lies expressed or implied in the above advertisement are not necessarily those of the authors, The Flying News, or anyone else.

  1. Note: This is not an ad, but a letter. See: it starts with a salutation!

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