Lines In Protest To The Dundee Magistrates

Fellow citizens of Bonnie Dundee Are ye aware how the magistrates have treated me? Nay, do not stare or make a fuss When I tell ye they have boycotted me from appearing in Royal Circus, Which in my opinion is a great shame, And a dishonour to the city’s name. Fellow citizens, I consider such […]

A Few Verses for Bakers

A four-tier wedding cake, looks like chocolate and coconut flavour.

If you like baking, here are some suave, romantic verses of poetry to use on a sweet, plump, little cutie-pie, if one should come your way. Roses are red Violets are blue Sugar is cheap and so are you. Roses are red Violets are blue Butter is fat and so are you. Roses are red […]

Godolphin Horne

Godolphin Horne,   Who was cursed with the Sin of Pride, and Became a Boot-Black.   Godolphin Horne was Nobly Born; He held the Human Race in Scorn, And lived with all his Sisters where His father lived, in Berkeley Square. And oh! the Lad was Deathly Proud! He never shook your Hand or Bowed, […]

Mensa mea emicat (a Latin poem)

An Aristotelian manuscript

Mensa mea emicat et per domum ambulat. Ergo foedam gladio celeriter exanimo. Translation tips: emico, -are, -micui, -micatum – spring forth, leap up, appear suddenly (1st conjugation) domus, f. – house (4th declension, irregular) ambulo, -are, -avi, -atum – walk (1st conjugation) foedus, -a, -um – loathsome, disgusting, vile, obscene gladius, -i, m. – sword […]

Ode to the King

Oh! God, I thank Thee for restoring King Edward the Seventh’s health again, And let all his subjects throughout the Empire say Amen; May God guard him by night and day, At home and abroad, when he’s far away. May angels guard his bed at night when he lies down, And may his subjects revere […]

Ten Things Your Dentist Won’t Tell You

Since my article on Ten Things Your Doctor Won’t Tell You was so popular, and since I also had occasion to visit my dentist—he invites me over for tea on a rather monthly basis—I now share with you the exactly and precisely 10 (not 9.99999 or 10.00001) things your dentist won’t tell you. Dentists are […]

Toledo Resident Celebrates Christmas 2018 in 2017

Catherine Sullivan, resident of Toledo, Ohio, has decided to celebrate Christmas 2018 in 2017. At The Flying News, we don’t usually get around to celebrating until December 24th, so we sent Ryan Rocifero to investigate this phenomenon. Catherine Sullivan: Around here, if you haven’t started celebrating Christmas by mid-November, you’re a loser. It used to […]


Who ran away from his Nurse, and was eaten by a Lion. There was a Boy whose name was Jim; His Friends were very good to him. They gave him Tea, and Cakes, and Jam, And slices of delicious Ham, And Chocolate with pink inside, And little Tricycles to ride, And               read him Stories through […]

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