Now that veterinarians get paid almost as much as doctors, the human race has become more concerned about the health of pets. So, when your dog starts barking from his doghouse in the wee hours of the morning, instead of worrying about a possible burglar snooping around the house, you naturally start to wonder, “Does he have a toothache?” or “Maybe he stubbed his toe on the way back from the water closet,” or “What if his pancreas is starting to fail?” After all, being a dog is no walk in the park.
But maybe it’s none of those three. In fact, it’s most likely that your dog has a sleeping disorder, just like you.1 Sleeping disorders do run in the family, after all.2 Since sleeping disorders are often related to old age, your dog may also show signs of senility, such as making unreasonable requests, asking the same questions over and over, forgetting to take his medications, and acting like someone he is not. (My dog once started acting like my next-door neighbour, but that was only after the neighbour started acting like my dog, so he deserved it.)
“Acting senile is the first sign that something’s wrong,” says veterinarian Dr. Phido Sotera. “My wife started acting senile one day, and now she’s dead. It’s a very sad thing.”
Unfortunately, sleeping disorders are not easily cured. And while in the old days you might have just put him to sleep, these days you will spend thousands of pounds in medical costs—because, after all, it’s your dog.
If you find out your dog has a sleeping disorder, follow these steps immediately:
- Stop, drop, and roll. Dogs like that sort of thing.
- Ring the local emergency line.
- Play some R.E.M. records.
- Invite your veterinarian for a slumber party and play some more R.E.M.
- Send a cheque for half the amount you paid the veterinarian to THE FLYING NEWS, c/o JIM JOCIFERO, which should cover our costs for about 63 years.
- Finally, if the veterinarian can’t put him to sleep, do it yourself.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If your dog’s sleeping disorder begins to cause depression (to him, not you), make sure you take away any sharp objects within his reach. Animal suicide is a growing problem, especially in suburban areas where pets listen to a lot of rock music.