You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human race, we—The Flying News—offer these suggestions for gender neutral brand and product names.
The most egregious and flagrant violations of gender neutrality come from the area of construction and home improvement™. Your typical
handyman handyperson handyentity uses a fairly extensive repertory of tools, most of which are in some way or other sexist. He, she, or it Such an entity might mix cement with tools from Sears’ Craftsman brand, shop at Menard’s, all the while chewing on Mentos. Neither is the field of entertainment immune to these prejudices. In addition to the notorious X-Men, and the infamous Pac-Man, a pianist might play an instrument made by Ackerman & Lowe, while another musician might find himself whateverself playing a horn manufactured by Paxman. And in the food arena, Newman’s Own and Hellmann’s are only a few of the brand names which offend contemporary sensibilities to the point of causing convulsions, mental distress, and complete insanity.
In order to alleviate these problems and prevent national unrest, we suggest the following modifications to the following brand and product names:
- Cement™: Cepersont. Dave, go mix some more cepersont for that footer.
- Craftsman: Craftsentity. All my Craftsentity tools fell in the lake while I was eating doughnuts.
- Menard’s: Personard’s. Personard’s return policy isn’t so good, but they’re cheap.
- Mentos: Beingos. My teeth were rotten because I ate Beingos all day long.
- Entertainment: Entertainentityt. That’s Entertainentityt!™
- X-Men: X-Entities. Dude, like, I can’t wait for the next X-Entities to come out.
- Pac-Man: Pac-Person. Man, that Mrs. Pac-Person is such an awesome game, even if it is, like, totally old-school.
- Instrument: Instrubeingt. Sales of musical instrubeingt are down 15% this month, probably because we have this stupid new name for them.
- Ackerman & Lowe: Ackerentity & Lowe. Ackerentity & Lowe make pianos, not elephants.
- Manufacture: Personufacture. George, I need you to go blow up the rival personufacturer’s personufactory.
- Paxman: Paxentity. Yo, that’s a nice Paxentity!
- Newman’s Own: Newbeing’s Own. Newbeing’s Own makes natural versions of products, but charges two legs and two arms for them.
- Hellmann’s: Hellbeingn’s. Hellbeingn’s Mayonnaise is gross, since I hate mayonnaise.
- Mental Distress: Personal Distress. After the aliens had tortured John for fifteen hours, he noticed that he was suffering great Personal Distress.
- Just for Men: Just for Beings. Just for Beings is a company that sells beauty products for beings.
- Men’s Warehouse: Entity’s Warehouse. He went to Entity’s Warehouse, but was disturbed by the walruses trying to buy shoes.
- Texas Instruments: Texas Instrubeingts. Texas Instrubeingts used to make doughnuts, but they got tired of buying ingredients.
- Ramen noodles: Rabeing noodles. From now on, you will be eating rabeing noodles.
- Environment: Environentityt. If you want to help the environentityt, then read The Flying News.
- Investment: Investbeingt. Investbeingt bankers like to eat cheese on Tuesdays.
- Element: Elephant. Do you have a copy of the periodic table of the elephants?
- Armani: Arpersoni. Despite what he says, his shoes are not genuine Arpersoni.
- Coleman: Old Ruling Entity Cole. Old Ruling Entity Cole makes classic camping stoves.
- George Foreman: Georgie Forentity. Although he was a heavyweight champion, Georgie Forentity is now better known for the grill that bears his name.
- Goldman Sachs: Goldbeing Sachs. Are Goldbeing Sachs investbeingt bankers, or something else?
- Kaiser Permanente: Kaiser und Kaiserin Perbeingente. Although you’d think that they were Gerpersonage rulers, Kaiser und Kaiserin Perbeingente are actually a health insurance company or something.
- Manchester: Beingchester. Beingchester is where you want to be from if you’re a British rock band.
- Neiman Marcus: Neibeing Marcus/a/um. Neibeing Marcus/a/um? No way!
- Shimano: Shibeingo. Why does Shibeingo make fishing reels and bicycle parts?
- Mango: Persongo. “Persongo” sounds like a Japanese board game, but is actually a fruit.
- Germany: Gerpersonagey. Jack and Jill went to Gerpersonagey for their honeymoon, even though they didn’t speak any Gerpersonage.
Illustration from “Myths and legends of Babylonia and Assyria,” 1916. From Internet Archive Book Images via Wikimedia Commons.