Following up on Jim Jocifero’s wildly popular “Secrets for Saving on Your Electric Bill,” we have come up with two new and innovative ways to save even more electricity: The Battery Method,™ and The Non-Battery Method™.
- The Battery Method™
- First, find a free charging station for electric cars. There are reported to be several thousand such free stations in the USA, which works out to about twenty per state. You may have one nearby, but if not, you may have to walk a while.
- Second, get a really big battery—as big as you can find. If your battery is round, you will be able to roll it. Otherwise, you should add wheels to your battery.1
- Third, go to the electric car charging station. Charge your battery, carefully following all local, state, national, and international regulations, safety precautions, warnings, laws, and customs.2
- Fourth, bring the battery back home, and use it to power your electrical devices.
- IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not lick this battery to see if it is charged.
- The Non-Battery Method™: Follow the steps above for The Battery Method™. Instead of using a battery, use a very long, large diameter insulated cable to connect appliances directly to the charger. Be sure to heed all applicable warnings in this article, and make sure that you have a licensed electrical engineer or electrician on hand.
Improper use of electricity can cause injury, death, insanity, or tonsorial damage. By reading this column, you agree to hold The Flying News, all its subsidiaries, associates, readers, authors, as well as all past, current, and future inhabitants of Earth, Mars, Venus, Mercury, and any orbital habitats harmless and free from responsibility.3
- If it’s wintertime, you might add sled runners, depending on local conditions. ↩
- Be sure that you are a licensed electrical engineer, as inappropriate use of electricity can cause potentially lethal shocks, and may also ruin your hairstyle. ↩
- This means that you can sue the inhabitants of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. ↩