UUTC Patents Sphere

The newest in a string of controversial patents is Ultimate Universal Technology Corporation (UUTC) application for a patent on the sphere. While the patent has not yet been granted, the application itself causes difficulties for a wide number of sphere users, both industrial and recreational. In particular, a number of sphere-manipulating sports would find themselves […]

How to Re-inflate Tennis Balls

impaled tennis ball

If you are a tennis enthusiast and have ever tried playing a game with an old tennis ball that has lost its “oomph” (a technical word for internal air pressure), you know that it spoils the game when the ball just doesn’t bounce properly. Now, most professional tennis players will tell you to buy a […]

National Educators’ Association Criticizes Baseball

Just yesterday, the National Educators’ Association and the Society for Grading and Education issued a joint critique of baseball, focused primarily on batting averages. Marie Walters, Assistant Director of Criticism, explains: The National Educators’ Association has worked tirelessly, for many years, to convince children and parents that nothing less than an A is satisfactory. We […]

Lighter Air For Increased Efficiency

Content note: This article involves frank discussion of the molecular weights of different gasses and includes reference to professional bicycle racing. As anyone who has gone into a bicycle shop lately and tossed bicycles up into the air knows, much of what distinguishes a decent bicycle from an obscenely expensive bicycle is weight. For the […]

History of Soccer

While it is widely believed that the origins of soccer lie in the British Isles,1 new research by xenobiologist Tot Tibor reveals that this is almost certainly not the case. Ancient records indicate that the game was introduced into North America by extraterrestrials, with the first match reportedly played on the current site of the […]

Surfer Credits Flying News For Win

Public domain image, available at

Mason St-Pierre, French-Australian surfer, credits The Flying News for his spectacular win on Thursday at the Playa Pequeñita Open (PPO). “I’ve always loved to surf and been pretty good at it,” he explains, “but reading ridiculous surfing advice from The Flying News gave me that extra edge I needed. I could just feel everything come […]


Public domain image, "Reeve and Serfs," the Queen Mary Master. Available at

A New Approach to Surfing Now that summer is here, you may feel inclined to take up a new outdoor activity. We, at The Flying News, would like to point out that one of your options is surfing. Now, you may object that there are certain difficulties involved in surfing. The three difficulties we want […]

Sports: Cheating

While cheating in sports is nothing new, and professional bicycling is not one of the less notorious arenas for such cheating, rarely has cheating as innovative as this been seen in the world of sports. At the Finnish National World Championships stage race this month, the Submarine Classic Team had been consistently leading the field, […]