Poetry

Automatic Poetry Generator

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Programmer Robert Burnish has invented a first-of-its-kind application in artificial intelligence, which he nevertheless claims is no more intelligent than its programmer. To create this “Automatic Poetry Generator” as he calls it, Mr. Burnish had to program in both rhyme and reason, a difficult task for programmers, who generally know nothing about poetry, and even […]

Toledo Resident Celebrates Christmas 2021 in 2019

Catherine Sullivan, resident of Toledo, Ohio, has decided to celebrate Christmas 2021 in 2019. At The Flying News, we don’t usually get around to celebrating until December 24th, so we sent our roving reporter, Ryan Rocifero, to investigate this peculiar phenomenon. Catherine Sullivan: Around here, if you haven’t started celebrating Christmas by mid-November, you’re a […]

Slug

A frog in a tree.

No need to rhyme with a slug— Don’t be a bug under the rug, a tick who’ll tug. You feel snug but we all shrug, you’re just a bug. No need to rhyme with a slug— Don’t be a thug. That loot you lug makes you look smug; won’t last for long, They’ll take your […]

How to Win Any Argument

Studies show that the ordinary person engages in an argument approximately once every 1.20076 days (excluding Sundays and holidays, when arguments are more frequent). And how you go about arguing will determine whether, on the one hand, you end up feeling as if you have just demonstrated that your argumentative capacities are roughly equal to […]

Original Names for Girls

Purplish flowery things.

“A rose by any other name . . .” —Someoneorother It’s not easy to think of a good, original name. I mean, with almost 1000 years of the English language behind us, there just aren’t that many names that haven’t already been taken. But for those of you looking for a truly original feminine name, […]

Matilda

Who told Lies, and was Burned to Death Matilda told such Dreadful Lies, It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s Eyes; Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth, Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth, Attempted to Believe Matilda: The effort very nearly killed her, And would have done so, had not She Discovered this […]

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay! Alas! I am very sorry to say That ninety lives have been taken away On the last Sabbath day of 1879, Which will be remember’d for a very long time. ’Twas about seven o’clock at night, And the wind it blew with all its might, And the rain […]

Secrets of the Ancients: Why Chaucer Couldn’t Spell

What thought, dear reader, flits first across the surface of your mind when you find yourself in the presence of such words as these: Hir coverchiefs ful fyne weren of ground; I dorste swere they weyeden ten pound That on a Sonday weren upon hir heed. Hir hosen weren of fyn scarlet reed, Ful streite […]