New Lower Calorie Food

With the current focus on waistline management strategies, Ultimate Universal Technology Corporation (UUTC) has introduced a new line of low and no calorie foods called Minimal Natural™. Their first two products include a drink called Pura™, a ‘soda’ featuring only two ingredients, water and carbon dioxide, and a snack bar called Néant™, which has no […]

Health and Beauty: Walrus Milk

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WALRUS MILK: New directions for an old drink: Walrus milk has long been a favorite drink of baby walruses, but only in recent months has this high-fat drink exploded into widespread popularity as a nutritional supplement. With a fat content as high as 30%, walrus milk, proponents claim, helps prevent dried out and flaky skin […]

Incredible Edible Weeds

Edible weeds

Not enough money for a stomach implant yet? No problem. The Edible Weed Eaters Society (EWES), a grassroots organisation which promotes eating edible weeds, estimates that we are currently wasting—yes, wasting—91% of the edible vegetation in our yards and gardens. If we realised the benefits of these perfectly digestible delights of nature, we could supply much […]

Nutrition Facts

In response to urgent inquiries from the FDA and the Board of Health, we are disclosing Nutritional Information for The Flying News.   Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 liter (584·1013 ± 12·10-1232 kg·m/s2) Servings Per Container about 13.456 Amount Per Serving Calories 10,238     Calories from Fat -475 % Daily Value Total Fat 147kg/s3 .002% […]

Non-Surgical Digestive Bypass

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Breaking news on the obesity front: Gold Touch Nanotechnology™, LLC, has developed a new way to reduce weight gain. Their new digestive bypass avoids the need for surgery, dieting, and any kind of self-control. Instead nanotechnology creates a number of tiny pores leading from the stomach to the outside of the body. Food enters the […]

Stomach Implants: A Dietary Revolution

Image of a stomach

Stomach Implants For too many generations, our race has been sadly limited in its food choices. Our inability to process lignin and cellulose is particularly problematic. This inability has drastically limited the amount of nutrients we are able to absorb from foods such as grass and leaves. Given the abundance of these foods, an ability […]

Heavy Metal was just the Thin End of the Wedge

When the late Michel Lotito became known for eating bicycles, airplanes, and chandeliers, his metallophagy was regarded as a remarkable curiosity, but nothing more. Recent developments, however, suggest that he was merely one of the first examples of the next stage of human evolution. It is now estimated that metallophagy is increasing by 2.75654% each […]