Food

New Supermarket Scam

Shoppers Beware! A new scam may have already come to a supermarket near you. In many stores in our country, whole milk, low-fat milk, and skim milk sell for the same price. Cream, however, is much more expensive. It has come to our ever attentive ears that organized crime has developed an ingenious way to […]

Weapons of Mass Destruction—Postmodern Adaptations

Do you remember the days when you could just walk into a store and buy a jar—no questions asked, no dirty looks, no waiver, no ID, no restrictions. Of course, back in those days—the days when we thought peanut butter was an innocent and entirely harmless food—we used to be unenlightened. Now we’re so much […]

FDA Approves “Vegan Cows”

In a breakthrough of advanced biotechnology and cunning marketing, Amalgamated Universal Biotech Inc. (AUBI) announced that its Vegan Cow has now been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). AUBI claims that its new product, secretly developed in Hidden Underground Research Labs (HURL), is 100% plant based and suitable for vegan consumption. This news […]

Fine Beers and Craft Wines

Have you ever wondered why there are no craft wines? Why wines can be fine, but only beer is ever craft. The impression this terminology produces is that brewers are master craftsmen, subtle geniuses bulging with wizardly skill and arcane expertise. Winemakers, or vintners, on the other hand, are just not. That’s not to say […]

Bean Soup: An Adventure in Cooking

Not so very long ago . . . I was hungry. Very hungry. So hungry that I thought I had better make myself some bean soup. But then, I found myself faced with a difficult, although—as events proved—not insoluble, problem: I was out of beans. But, as luck would have it, I happened to recall […]

Introducing the Metric Dozen

10 eggs in a carton

Egg sellers around the world will soon be peddling their produce in metric. After centuries of following the misguided (albeit traditional) ‘twelvic’ system, in which eggs were sold by the ‘dozen’, they are finally falling in line with the rest of the modern world1, and will begin selling eggs by the Metric Dozen. Rather than […]

Puns & Butter: A Half-Act Play

Granola, orange juice, and squash. Part of a complete breakfast.

The scene: A breakfast table, finely set. Two unknown figures seated at either end. Both speak in King’s English. A: Please pass the puns. B: The what? A: The puns. The puns and butter. I’d like some puns and butter. B: Well, if that’s what you want. [B passes something to A, which looks rather […]

McDonald’s Introduces New Forever Cheeseburger

Just this morning, McDonald’s Grand International Director of Global-Marketing and Fast-Food Chemistry, Wendy B. K. LeRoy, announced an exciting and ingenious new product offering: the Forever Cheeseburger! This innovation, which follows in the wake of the Post Office’s popular Forever Stamps and the Treasury’s Forever Dollar, will, it is hoped1, increase sales of cheeseburgers and […]