Food

Man Waits Three Years for Pizza Delivery

Marvel at the precision of the ingredient placement on this Precise Pizza.

A Southampton bloke named Arnold1 decided to order a pizza one day. Little did he know this pizza would cost him three years of his life. It was about six o’clock in the spring of 2016. Arnold called the local pizzeria.2 A waiter took his order, entering all the necessary information into the new computerised […]

Recipe: Charred Chard

While it’s likely you’ve at least heard of “chard,” you may, regrettably, have only the merest passing acquaintance with the substance. So we won’t assume anything. Rather, we’ll begin with the assumption that you’re about in the position of one of those hapless souls who purchases a “For the Complete and Total Moron” style publication. […]

Are YOU a Germaphobe?

How to Tell if You Are a Germaphobe a sure-fire method! You set a timer when you take food out of the oven to determine when to refrigerate it afterwards. You never eat anything that has been out of the oven for longer than 0.75 hours. You clean the seat of your chair with disinfectant […]

A New Categorisation of Holidays

A philosopher from the Arctic Circle known as “Jonathan Tallyhoe” has begun a new line of research into the categorisation of cultural holidays and celebratory festivals. Mr. Tallyhoe, who does not hold any authentic PhD’s that we know of,1 claims he is the first to enter into such territory, while following “a time-tested Aristotelian method.” […]

A Solution for Mosquito Bites

Some kind of flying bug on The Flying News.

You probably don’t like mosquito bites. In our opinion, they are itchy and irritating. But there is a solution. Rather than letting the mosquitoes eat you, eat them first. If you’re not convinced of the imminent danger of mosquitoes, consider the following cases. One woman reported a whole host of mosquito eggs laid in her […]

New Supermarket Scam

Shoppers Beware! A new scam may have already come to a supermarket near you. In many stores in our country, whole milk, low-fat milk, and skim milk sell for the same price. Cream, however, is much more expensive. It has come to our ever attentive ears that organized crime has developed an ingenious way to […]

Weapons of Mass Destruction—Postmodern Adaptations

Do you remember the days when you could just walk into a store and buy a jar—no questions asked, no dirty looks, no waiver, no ID, no restrictions. Of course, back in those days—the days when we thought peanut butter was an innocent and entirely harmless food—we used to be unenlightened. Now we’re so much […]

FDA Approves “Vegan Cows”

In a breakthrough of advanced biotechnology and cunning marketing, Amalgamated Universal Biotech Inc. (AUBI) announced that its Vegan Cow has now been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). AUBI claims that its new product, secretly developed in Hidden Underground Research Labs (HURL), is 100% plant based and suitable for vegan consumption. This news […]