Food

Tasteful Tips for Fine Dining Fun

The stressful elements of Fine Dining™ can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]

Adjective-Free Food

Do you leap up energized and full of vigor after eating? Or does meal-time leave you sluggish, bloated, and out-of-sorts? If you’re eating the typical modern diet, you are probably already concerned about the all-too-obviously detrimental effects of food on your well-being. And if you’re not worried, you should be. What is the root of […]

A New Categorisation of Holidays

A philosopher from the Arctic Circle known as “Jonathan Tallyhoe” has begun a new line of research into the categorisation of cultural holidays and celebratory festivals. Mr. Tallyhoe, who does not hold any authentic PhD’s that we know of,1 claims he is the first to enter into such territory, while following “a time-tested Aristotelian method.” […]

How To Make Italian Ice

A small tree covered in snow.

Good morning, afternoon, or evening, depending on when you are reading this. An astute reader has sent us an astute question, as follows: Dear The Flying News, How do you make Italian ice? I’m very astute, aren’t I? [sic] Thank you, Astute Reader Charleston, SC So, here we are to explain to our Astute Reader, […]

Man Waits Three Years for Pizza Delivery

Marvel at the precision of the ingredient placement on this Precise Pizza.

A Southampton bloke named Arnold1 decided to order a pizza one day. Little did he know this pizza would cost him three years of his life. It was about six o’clock in the spring of 2016. Arnold called the local pizzeria.2 A waiter took his order, entering all the necessary information into the new computerised […]

Recipe: Charred Chard

While it’s likely you’ve at least heard of “chard,” you may, regrettably, have only the merest passing acquaintance with the substance. So we won’t assume anything. Rather, we’ll begin with the assumption that you’re about in the position of one of those hapless souls who purchases a “For the Complete and Total Moron” style publication. […]

Are YOU a Germaphobe?

How to Tell if You Are a Germaphobe a sure-fire method! You set a timer when you take food out of the oven to determine when to refrigerate it afterwards. You never eat anything that has been out of the oven for longer than 0.75 hours. You clean the seat of your chair with disinfectant […]

A Solution for Mosquito Bites

Some kind of flying bug on The Flying News.

You probably don’t like mosquito bites. In our opinion, they are itchy and irritating. But there is a solution. Rather than letting the mosquitoes eat you, eat them first. If you’re not convinced of the imminent danger of mosquitoes, consider the following cases. One woman reported a whole host of mosquito eggs laid in her […]