A Motorists Creed

Credo I believe in petroleum distillate. I believe that an expensive car enhances sexual fitness. That a car’s horsepower directly correlates to intelligence. That the larger your car is, the better you are. That if you pick your nose in your own car, nobody can see you. That I can drive safely while drunk, texting, […]

Repurposing: Wine Storage

Do you like wine? If you do, you may wonder where best to store your wine. There are, of course, a lot of boring commercial options—wine barrels, wine racks, and wine coolers. But if you don’t really like these options, if you prefer something original and exciting, then stay tuned . . . (Noise and […]

History of The Audio Book

The Definitive History of The Audio Book1 The earliest known ancestor of the contemporary Audio Book was the Phonographic Book,2 invented by Julius Caesar in c. 54 BC. It employed a clay cylinder covered with wax. While wildly popular with the Roman public, sound quality tended to degrade as the wax softened in the summer […]

Vandals Deface Public Monument, Correct Grammatical Mistake

Columbus, OH: The John W. Galbreath Bicentennial Park includes fountains, pedestrian and cyclist trails, a restaurant, a sound stage, and what someone must have found to be a very irksome grammatical error. Park authorities reported to the police that, sometime between the hours of 2:17 and 4:29 Tuesday morning, vandals defaced the dedicatory plaque located […]

Swampmen Infiltrate New Orleans

When Gentilly resident Marc Ménard returned to his home on Tuesday, he entered his kitchen and was shocked to find someone who seemed to be himself, cooking dinner in his own kitchen. Understandably shocked, Marc ran screaming from his house, He then proceeded to a local bar, where he was even more shocked to see […]

Summer Vacation Advice

Photo by Lynn Locifero, © The Flying News, 2014

Summer is drawing to an end, and the new school year is beginning. (According to unsubstantiated rumors, some children have already begun attending school again.) This might seem like an odd time to talk about summer vacations. Maybe you’ve already spent a day at the beach, a week at grandma’s, or even a month at […]

Step Aside, Tea: Coffee is Where It’s At

A coffee drinker.

Real Men Drink Coffee The political anti-tax group known as the tea party used to be the last word in extreme American politics. This year, though, the tea party just isn’t extreme enough. “Governing is a privilege, not a right,” argues Alexander Gottlieb, of Plymouth, WI, “and rather than taxing us, the government ought to […]

Polarized Coffee

Portable Coffee Polarizer

Tired of the same old coffee? After many years of study, engineers at the State University of Northern South Dakota have at last discovered a way to produce polarized coffee on an industrial scale. The polarization of coffee has been a matter of scientific study since 1973, when scientists at the Swedish Institute for Coffee […]