Computer

When to Upgrade Your Computer

Do you have a computer? If so, you’ve certainly considered adding more RAM, salivated over a more powerful graphics card, or perhaps thought about buying a whole new system. You’ve wondered: “Do I need to upgrade my computer?” Don’t lose sleep wondering. Just follow the simple directions below to determine whether or not you need […]

Automatic Poetry Generator

Heartrate printer

Programmer Robert Burnish has invented a first-of-its-kind application in artificial intelligence, which he nevertheless claims is no more intelligent than its programmer. To create this “Automatic Poetry Generator” as he calls it, Mr. Burnish had to program in both rhyme and reason, a difficult task for programmers, who generally know nothing about poetry, and even […]

Holiday Returns App

Returning gifts can make the first few days of Christmas almost as busy as the last few days before Christmas. But do you ever wonder whether those gifts you chose with so much care and thought were really as appreciated as their recipients told you they were? After all, even if someone tells you that […]

Man Waits Three Years for Pizza Delivery

Marvel at the precision of the ingredient placement on this Precise Pizza.

A Southampton bloke named Arnold1 decided to order a pizza one day. Little did he know this pizza would cost him three years of his life. It was about six o’clock in the spring of 2016. Arnold called the local pizzeria.2 A waiter took his order, entering all the necessary information into the new computerised […]

Supreme Court Rules EULA Invalid Without Legal Counsel

Have you ever involuntarily sold your eldest child, your soul, or your prize poodle Fritzy?1 If so, chances are roughly 1.3242579 x 10A Very Large Number to 1 that you did so by signing a Computer Software License (EULA). Our astute readers will already have realized that these agreements are carefully designed by behavioral psychologists […]

Instant, Personalised Thank You Letters

‚ÄúDear Reader [insert YOUR first name here], I am deeply grateful that you have continued to support The Flying News by reading this article and for the wonderful difference you have made in the last 3 minutes by clicking the link that brought you to this page. Once again, from the bottom of my bottomless […]

Plumbing

Despite the fact that I was trying to sleep in, it has come to my ears that someone has been going around claiming that everyone needs to learn how to write computer programs. There may be some truth in that: when I play chess against my computer, being able to re-write the program so that […]

ISO Deprecates Biomorphic Computer Terminology

Not so many days ago, I, in complete innocence and meaning no harm, happened to mention that my hard drive had ‘died’. No sooner were these words out of my mouth, however, when a muscular, uniformed, and very impressively armed man grabbed the collar of my shirt and pushed me against the nearest wall. This […]