Man Waits Three Years for Pizza Delivery

Marvel at the precision of the ingredient placement on this Precise Pizza.

A Southampton bloke named Arnold1 decided to order a pizza one day. Little did he know this pizza would cost him three years of his life. It was about six o’clock in the spring of 2016. Arnold called the local pizzeria.2 A waiter took his order, entering all the necessary information into the new computerised […]

Car Brand Names Go Small

Once, not so very long ago, you only bought a small car if you couldn’t afford a large one. “Bigger,” as the saying goes, “was ever so much better.” But recent trends have pushed public opinion unmistakably and forcefully in the opposite direction.1 Computers chips have moved from micrometers to nanometers2 in scale, and small, […]

Why You Need Professional Sports In Your Life

Image in public domain. Original available at http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6e/Football_%28soccer_ball%29.svg.

This story could just as easily have been called “Why your ears bleed when you sleep upside-down,” because as everyone knows, the editors who write the headlines don’t actually read the articles first. But that’s beside the point. What we’re explaining today is why professional sports matter, and I mean matter in your life and […]

All About Red Lights

If you live or work in the vicinity of a large, North American city, you are likely to encounter red lights—instead of the roundabouts favored (or favoured) by Jim Jocifero and his ilk—with an unwelcome frequency. So no doubt you, like us, have formulated a surprising number of questions about this common roadway phenomenon. Here, […]

Tectonic Knights Attacking West Coast of America (Still)

Flags of certain states.

It is widely reported that some underground cultish warriors have been attacking the West Coast of North America on a somewhat regular basis for as long as any of us can remember. These warriors are known as Tectonic Knights. Apparently, they form something called Vault Lines and try to knock down any building that happens […]

Recipe: Charred Chard

While it’s likely you’ve at least heard of “chard,” you may, regrettably, have only the merest passing acquaintance with the substance. So we won’t assume anything. Rather, we’ll begin with the assumption that you’re about in the position of one of those hapless souls who purchases a “For the Complete and Total Moron” style publication. […]

Are YOU a Germaphobe?

How to Tell if You Are a Germaphobe a sure-fire method! You set a timer when you take food out of the oven to determine when to refrigerate it afterwards. You never eat anything that has been out of the oven for longer than 0.75 hours. You clean the seat of your chair with disinfectant […]