The Flying News – Page 3 – Odd, Strange, Original, Unusual News

12 or 13 Things You Can’t Bring on an Airplane
In the good old days, when airplane security was good, you could bring all kinds of gear on an airplane. Going hunting? Bring your gun. Fishing? Bring the harpoon. Camping? Bring a campfire. But nowadays, when the airports are filled…
Federal Employees Disciplined for Stealing Office Supplies
Washington, D.C.: According to anonymous reports from an unnamed federal agency, two employees were disciplined for stealing office supplies from the public. Duane McDouglas, managing accountant at K Street Tax Services, told The Flying News: “we were a little surprised…
Five or Ten Things I Accomplished Last Week
It has come to our attention, here at The Flying News, that, in addition to attempting to shake down Ukraine for mineral rights, the United States government has issued an official email officially requiring all employees to provide five things…
Bumper sticker sighting
More News: How to Make a Bumper Sticker Ten Things Your Doctor Won’t Tell You Car Brand Names Go Small When to Buy a New Car
Welcome to Middle-Age
It used to be, when I was out and about, the sound system would be playing music written before I was born. You know the kind of stuff: Queen Victoria’s Favorite Jams, Top Tunes from the Early Roman Empire, Hottest…
Confidential – Do NOT Read
Confidentiality Notice: This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed, and may contain information that is PRIVILEGED and CONFIDENTIAL. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that…
Industrial Minuscule Reinvents Cubicle Calendars
It’s that time of year again. The end of the year. Yes, the END is NIGH. You know what that means.1 You need a new calendar. Look no further. Industrial Minuscule™ has the calendar for you. And not just any…
I before E
As we learned in grammar school, “I before E except after C or when sounding like A as in neighbor or… weird?” So, in King’s English: When you are either ageing or fighting ageism with Alzheimers, you tend toward deified…
New and Exclusive Uncensored Interview with Vim Vocifero
Given the sheer volume of fan mail we’ve received over the last several months with questions, comments, and occasional insults, we thought it was time for an interview with Vim Vocifero, our fearless/half-hearted leader and Supreme Exponential Reinvigorating Assistant Sub-Editor…
Barefoot Shoes, Shirtless Shirts, and Commando Undies
If you hadn’t heard of Barefoot Shoes™ before reading this sentence, now, having read it, you have heard of them. But Barefoot Shoes™ were just a beginning, or only—as one used to say before the invention of the abominable term…

Happy Birthday Named National Anthem of Cyprus

The Republic of Cyprus recently went through an extensive period of revisionist history, the latest revision being the national anthem. For the last so many years,1 Cyprus has shared the national anthem of Greece, Hymn to Liberty. But lately, Cypriots voted to switch to Happy Birthday as their new national anthem. Hymn to Liberty is […]

Little Girl Refuses to Have Birthday, Stays Six Years Old

Vim Vocifero

"Birthday13Slovakia1" by Jozef Kotulič - Own work. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Birthday13Slovakia1.JPG#mediaviewer/File:Birthday13Slovakia1.JPG: Modified.

Suzanne G. Corbett, of Dayton, OH, known to her friends as Suzie, recently refused to have a seventh birthday: I like being six years old, and my mommy says that when I’m seven, I’ll have to be a big girl and won’t be able to eat my mud pies anymore. This is, perhaps, a typical […]

How to Make a Jelly Doughnut

Jim Jocifero

Easy Recipe – Only Two Ingredients! Welcome back to another episode of The Flying News Cooking Channel! In this episode, we will teach you how to make a Jelly Doughnut! With only Two Ingredients! What could be better?! Well, maybe a Cream Doughnut. Or a Jelly Waffle? Or a Jelly Waffle Whipped Cream Doughnut! Now, […]

Regrets

Jim Jocifero

Dear Sirs, We regret to inform you that the after-burner on your self-regulating laser-powered discombobulator has expired, and you will need to purchase a new set of fuel packs to re-energise it. If you choose not to purchase the update, the software on your discombobulator and all saved settings will be encrypted and a new […]

When to Buy a New Car

Jim Jocifero

Do you have an automobile? If so, you probably find yourself wondering, every few minutes, things like: “Do I need a new car?” “Does my car drive fast enough?” “Should I start wearing fur coats in the car?” “Should I stop brushing my teeth in the car?” “Should I stop running over cute little stray […]

Gender Neutral Brand Names

Vim Vocifero

You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human […]

Discover the Secret Meaning of Your Name

Jim Jocifero

What I Legibly Lament I Always Maintain.

Have you ever wondered if your name has a secret meaning? Do you stay up nights and ponder how you came to be called “So-and-so” or “What’s-his-name?” And if, perhaps, therein lies the meaning of your life, which you have diligently searched out here, there, and everywhere, yet still have yet to find? Search no […]

Is Homemade Candy on Your Holiday To-Do List? If So, Think Again

Jim Jocifero

Everyone knows you can’t give out homemade Halloween candy. If you try to, it will be mysteriously injected with poison, and children will die.1 But most people don’t realise that the same applies to Christmas. Ever since the Dark Ages, that is, the 1950’s, strangers have been poisoning children. This is why children do not […]

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