Merchants Begin Preparation for Christmas

Christmas may be far in the future for most of us, but not for the American Merchants’ Financial Association. Last week, the AMFA board launched a new campaign to prepare for this year’s holiday season. One of the key aspects of this campaign is a plea to the American people to remember the importance of […]

When to Upgrade Your Computer

Do you have a computer? If so, you’ve certainly considered adding more RAM, salivated over a more powerful graphics card, or perhaps thought about buying a whole new system. You’ve wondered: “Do I need to upgrade my computer?” Don’t lose sleep wondering. Just follow the simple directions below to determine whether or not you need […]

Automatic Bathroom Fixtures Lead To Weight Gain

A new study, “Automated Bathroom Fixtures as a Contribution to Obesity in So-Called Advanced Societies,” appeared last Tuesday in the Journal of Luddite Studies Concerning Advanced Technology. This article, by Silvius Fractor and Jacob Leland, argues persuasively that a significant and previously unrecognized factor in the so-called obesity epidemic is the proliferation of automated bathroom […]

How to Protect Yourself from The Plague

Memento Mori

There’s been a lot of talk (maybe a little too much talk) these days about the newest coronavirus on the block,1 and everyone seems to be running away from it, without knowing exactly which way to run. But, lest we forget all the other looming, lurking, dark, and dreary diseases out there, we decided to […]

Automatic Poetry Generator

Heartrate printer

Programmer Robert Burnish has invented a first-of-its-kind application in artificial intelligence, which he nevertheless claims is no more intelligent than its programmer. To create this “Automatic Poetry Generator” as he calls it, Mr. Burnish had to program in both rhyme and reason, a difficult task for programmers, who generally know nothing about poetry, and even […]

You’ll Never Guess What This Article Is About

Comparison of nutrition facts on juice and sour cream.

What is this article really about? An excellent question. Glad you asked. And by the by, there are no stupid questions—only stupid people. Scientists have been seeking an answer for decades, if not centuries. Philosophers have been pondering it for ages. It even has the world’s most astute theologians baffled. More News: Declaration of Independence […]

Adjective-Free Food

Do you leap up energized and full of vigor after eating? Or does meal-time leave you sluggish, bloated, and out-of-sorts? If you’re eating the typical modern diet, you are probably already concerned about the all-too-obviously detrimental effects of food on your well-being. And if you’re not worried, you should be. What is the root of […]

A New Categorisation of Holidays

A philosopher from the Arctic Circle known as “Jonathan Tallyhoe” has begun a new line of research into the categorisation of cultural holidays and celebratory festivals. Mr. Tallyhoe, who does not hold any authentic PhD’s that we know of,1 claims he is the first to enter into such territory, while following “a time-tested Aristotelian method.” […]