Unless circumstances beyond our control intervene, the official COVID-19™ emergency is slated to end on May 11th of this very year. This has caused a certain amount of consternation, and even distress, in some quarters. As one anonymous source explained to our intrepid roving reporter Ryan Rocifero, “COVID-19™ gave us an ideal excuse to avoid […]
Leechburg, Pa: Despite mostly peaceful community protests, the Armstrong County Library proceeded with a ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ yesterday afternoon. About twenty-seven children aged four through six attended, along with parents and other community members. When asked why the Armstrong County Library offered a venue for this distasteful event, Head Children’s Librarian Cassandra Ngo, who uses the […]
The Republic of Cyprus recently went through an extensive period of revisionist history, the latest revision being the national anthem. For the last so many years,1 Cyprus has shared the national anthem of Greece, Hymn to Liberty. But lately, Cypriots voted to switch to Happy Birthday as their new national anthem. Hymn to Liberty is […]
Dear Sirs, We regret to inform you that the after-burner on your self-regulating laser-powered discombobulator has expired, and you will need to purchase a new set of fuel packs to re-energise it. If you choose not to purchase the update, the software on your discombobulator and all saved settings will be encrypted and a new […]
You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human […]
The stressful elements of Fine Dining™ can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]
Christmas may be far in the future for most of us, but not for the American Merchants’ Financial Association. Last week, the AMFA board launched a new campaign to prepare for this year’s holiday season. One of the key aspects of this campaign is a plea to the American people to remember the importance of […]
What is this article really about? An excellent question. Glad you asked. And by the by, there are no stupid questions—only stupid people. Scientists have been seeking an answer for decades, if not centuries. Philosophers have been pondering it for ages. It even has the world’s most astute theologians baffled. More News: Declaration of Independence […]
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