News

Regrets

Outlandish antique computer.

Dear Sirs, We regret to inform you that the after-burner on your self-regulating laser-powered discombobulator has expired, and you will need to purchase a new set of fuel packs to re-energise it. If you choose not to purchase the update, the software on your discombobulator and all saved settings will be encrypted and a new […]

Gender Neutral Brand Names

You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human […]

Tasteful Tips for Fine Dining Fun

The stressful elements of Fine Dining™ can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]

Merchants Begin Preparation for Christmas

Christmas may be far in the future for most of us, but not for the American Merchants’ Financial Association. Last week, the AMFA board launched a new campaign to prepare for this year’s holiday season. One of the key aspects of this campaign is a plea to the American people to remember the importance of […]

You’ll Never Guess What This Article Is About

Comparison of nutrition facts on juice and sour cream.

What is this article really about? An excellent question. Glad you asked. And by the by, there are no stupid questions—only stupid people. Scientists have been seeking an answer for decades, if not centuries. Philosophers have been pondering it for ages. It even has the world’s most astute theologians baffled. More News: Declaration of Independence […]

A New Categorisation of Holidays

A philosopher from the Arctic Circle known as “Jonathan Tallyhoe” has begun a new line of research into the categorisation of cultural holidays and celebratory festivals. Mr. Tallyhoe, who does not hold any authentic PhD’s that we know of,1 claims he is the first to enter into such territory, while following “a time-tested Aristotelian method.” […]

Christmas Parties Take Their Toll

Dead man on couch.

Three weeks before Christmas, on 4 December, Mr. Edgar Rolton was pronounced dead after suddenly collapsing at the very end of a festive holiday party. Several friends tried to resuscitate the man, aged 45, while his wife (widow) looked on in utter grief. Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter but even they failed to resuscitate him. The […]

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert […]