Given the sheer volume of fan mail we’ve received over the last several months with questions, comments, and occasional insults, we thought it was time for an interview with Vim Vocifero, our fearless/half-hearted leader and Supreme Exponential Reinvigorating Assistant Sub-Editor in Chief, to give our readers a new and exclusive, uncensored, behind-the-scenes look at His […]
News
Barefoot Shoes, Shirtless Shirts, and Commando Undies
If you hadn’t heard of Barefoot Shoes™ before reading this sentence, now, having read it, you have heard of them. But Barefoot Shoes™ were just a beginning, or only—as one used to say before the invention of the abominable term prequel—a prelude to better things. Last Tuesday, to nearly universal acclaim, Barefoot Shoes Inc. introduced […]
US Congress Reportedly Considering Universal Excuse Law
Unless circumstances beyond our control intervene, the official COVID-19™ emergency is slated to end on May 11th of this very year. This has caused a certain amount of consternation, and even distress, in some quarters. As one anonymous source explained to our intrepid roving reporter Ryan Rocifero, “COVID-19™ gave us an ideal excuse to avoid […]
Pennsylvania Library Hosts ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ Despite Community Protests
Leechburg, Pa: Despite mostly peaceful community protests, the Armstrong County Library proceeded with a ‘Skin-Head Storytime’ yesterday afternoon. About twenty-seven children aged four through six attended, along with parents and other community members. When asked why the Armstrong County Library offered a venue for this distasteful event, Head Children’s Librarian Cassandra Ngo, who uses the […]
Happy Birthday Named National Anthem of Cyprus
The Republic of Cyprus recently went through an extensive period of revisionist history, the latest revision being the national anthem. For the last so many years,1 Cyprus has shared the national anthem of Greece, Hymn to Liberty. But lately, Cypriots voted to switch to Happy Birthday as their new national anthem. Hymn to Liberty is […]
Regrets
Dear Sirs, We regret to inform you that the after-burner on your self-regulating laser-powered discombobulator has expired, and you will need to purchase a new set of fuel packs to re-energise it. If you choose not to purchase the update, the software on your discombobulator and all saved settings will be encrypted and a new […]
Gender Neutral Brand Names
You would think, since we now live in a gender-neutral world™, that commercial entities would make the necessary efforts to ensure the sexlessness of their products and brand names. This, we regret to say, is far from the case. So, in the interests of progress, the advance of civilization, and the future of the human […]
Tasteful Tips for Fine Dining Fun
The stressful elements of Fine Dining can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]