News

Tasteful Tips for Fine Dining Fun

The stressful elements of Fine Dining™ can be traced to three root causes: The staff, especially the waiters, think you aren’t elegant enough to dine finely (even though they would never say so even if you pulled their toenails off with needle-nosed pliers1). Even earls and duchesses, according to one reliable source, are not considered […]

Merchants Begin Preparation for Christmas

Christmas may be far in the future for most of us, but not for the American Merchants’ Financial Association. Last week, the AMFA board launched a new campaign to prepare for this year’s holiday season. One of the key aspects of this campaign is a plea to the American people to remember the importance of […]

You’ll Never Guess What This Article Is About

Comparison of nutrition facts on juice and sour cream.

What is this article really about? An excellent question. Glad you asked. And by the by, there are no stupid questions—only stupid people. Scientists have been seeking an answer for decades, if not centuries. Philosophers have been pondering it for ages. It even has the world’s most astute theologians baffled. More News: Declaration of Independence […]

A New Categorisation of Holidays

A philosopher from the Arctic Circle known as “Jonathan Tallyhoe” has begun a new line of research into the categorisation of cultural holidays and celebratory festivals. Mr. Tallyhoe, who does not hold any authentic PhD’s that we know of,1 claims he is the first to enter into such territory, while following “a time-tested Aristotelian method.” […]

Christmas Parties Take Their Toll

Dead man on couch.

Three weeks before Christmas, on 4 December, Mr. Edgar Rolton was pronounced dead after suddenly collapsing at the very end of a festive holiday party. Several friends tried to resuscitate the man, aged 45, while his wife (widow) looked on in utter grief. Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter but even they failed to resuscitate him. The […]

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert […]

The True Meaning of Christmas

Bar chart showing Europeans know better than Americans.

When asked in a recent survey what the true meaning of Christmas is, 53% of Americans answered “Santa Claus”, 38% answered “Evergreens”, 7% answered “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, and 2% answered “Other.” When the survey was given to Europeans, “Evergreens” ranked highest at 47%, “Santa Claus” came in at 43%, and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” […]

Toledo Resident Celebrates Christmas 2021 in 2019

Catherine Sullivan, resident of Toledo, Ohio, has decided to celebrate Christmas 2021 in 2019. At The Flying News, we don’t usually get around to celebrating until December 24th, so we sent our roving reporter, Ryan Rocifero, to investigate this peculiar phenomenon. Catherine Sullivan: Around here, if you haven’t started celebrating Christmas by mid-November, you’re a […]