In the good old days, when airplane security was good, you could bring all kinds of gear on an airplane. Going hunting? Bring your gun. Fishing? Bring the harpoon. Camping? Bring a campfire. But nowadays, when the airports are filled with humourless old bobbies, you can barely get your toothpaste through. And believe me, those attendants could use some toothpaste.
So in the spirit of bursting all your hot air balloons, we have compiled a list of 12 or 13 things you can’t bring on an airplane these days.
These days.
- Jet fuel. I don’t know why they don’t let you bring this. I mean, what if the pilot runs out? Or just needs a light?
- A spare engine. Again, the rules are totally absurd. This could certainly come in handy.
- Emergency escape hatchets. In boy scouts, they teach you to be prepared, but in airports, they practically ban it. I mean, what if the guy sitting next to you is really annoying? Or tries to strike up a conversation?
- Inflated rafts. But what if you hit white water?
- Scuba diving suit. I tried wearing one of these once. The attendants weren’t amused.
- Steak knife. I mean, they’ll sell you a steak dinner for an arm and a leg. But bring your own knife and they’ll give you the chops. Whatever that means.
- Wine glasses. Ditto.
- Water bed. So it’s hard to fit through the door… and adds a little weight… but how else am I supposed to sleep while I’m on holiday?
- A stunt double. If you act like me, you need him there all the time. But they just keep asking for another ticket, and I keep trying to explain, he’s just the other me.
- Radar jamming device. And I thought they’d appreciate getting those FAA agents off their trail.
- Anti-ballistic defence system. For some reason, they don’t want help fighting the bad guys.
- or 13. Tranquilliser gun. You know, for the elephants.
“Southbridge Airport Storm Damage, June 3, 2011 (5794396120).jpg” public domain via Wikimedia Commons.
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