Federal Employees Disciplined for Stealing Office Supplies

"Büroklammern -- 2021 -- 6481" by Dietmar Rabich. CC BY-SA 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Washington, D.C.: According to anonymous reports from an unnamed federal agency, two employees were disciplined for stealing office supplies from the public.

Duane McDouglas, managing accountant at K Street Tax Services, told The Flying News: “we were a little surprised when these federal employees came to inspect our records last Tuesday, but we decided to be as helpful as we could, hoping (of course) to get them out of our hair quickly. Imagine how surprised we were when we discovered that, at some point during their inspection, those clowns managed to slip away with nearly all of our pens and about a dozen pads of paper.”

Representatives of the unnamed agency declined comment, but noted that the matter would be investigated. According to our secret journalistic sources, two of the three employees have been disciplined, although the exact nature of the punishment is not currently known.

“They should have to write on the backs of their hands,” added McDouglas.

In possibly related federal government news, the fire department was dispatched to a federal office building on T Street yesterday afternoon. Firefighters found that the alarm had been caused by federal employees who were attempting to carbonize cuttings of wood apparently collected in nearby Meridian Hill Park. “The federal workers were trying to make ink: they said the government wouldn’t buy them pens, so they had nothing at all to write with,” stated Lieutenant Spakesby of the District of Columbia Fire and Emergency Medical Services Department. “We think they had gone out earlier and collected some goose feathers to write with.”

According to an inside source, President Trump is reputed to be aware of these occurrences, and even went so far as to remark: “That’s the kind of enterprising spirit we need to see in all government employees, especially since it saves taxpayer money.”