Five or Ten Things I Accomplished Last Week

It has come to our attention, here at The Flying News, that, in addition to attempting to shake down Ukraine for mineral rights, the United States government has issued an official email officially requiring all employees to provide five things accomplished during the past week. We thought this would be amusing to do here at The Flying News, too, except that we told our employees to tell us between five and ten things. And we assured them via social media that we didn’t expect them to take it too seriously. We also told them that they really didn’t need to send us more than five, and that they shouldn’t be paranoid. Really, we don’t want our employees to take time out of their productive private-sector work to stress out about job security.

Anyway, we had a fun time with this exercise, and are considering repeating it at least twice per week. We especially appreciate the employees who revealed the secret codes that activate the secret explosives planted under the headquarters of The Flying News. We hadn’t known about those.

I know you hope we’ll tell you what the secret codes are, but we aren’t going to. However, for your reading pleasure and inspiration, take a look at our top five or ten responses:

Attended an international symposium on the state of humor in public life.
Attended an international symposium on the state of humour in public life.
Tried to figure out what Trump and his appointees are smoking.

Tried to figure out where they’re getting it from.
Wondered what they’re putting on their lists.
Constructed a fallout shelter just in case some of the weekly activities undertaken by government employees involved nuclear codes.
Constructed an earwax model of Mount Rushmore featuring the staff of The Flying News
Drank some beer
Modified a flugelhorn to include a touch-screen that displays secret codes
Discovered The Flying News Secret Archives™
“But it wasn’t a knife!”