Given the sheer volume of fan mail we’ve received over the last several months with questions, comments, and occasional insults, we thought it was time for an interview with Vim Vocifero, our fearless/half-hearted leader and Supreme Exponential Reinvigorating Assistant Sub-Editor in Chief, to give our readers a new and exclusive, uncensored, behind-the-scenes look at His Obstinacy’s (if we may call him that) daily life and work.
The Flying News: Good day, Vim. I’d like to start with one of our patrons’ most burning questions. And that is: How do you stay awake at work when you have something really boring to do, like, say, listen to a presentation by Jim Jocifero on international linguistic policy models?
Vim Vocifero: I drink a cup of chamomile tea. Puts me right to sleep.
TFN: Do you work in your sleep?
Vim: No, but I sleep at work.
TFN: Good. So, some fans are wondering how you fit time in for rest and relaxation.
Vim: I try to keep my weekends free. That way, if something comes up during the week, like work for example, I know I can still sleep all day Saturday and Sunday.
TFN: How much sleep do you get?
Vim: On a good day, all of it. Some days, none of it.
TFN: I see. Well, to move on… Have you ever been to Canada?
Vim: Once, but it was an accident.
TFN: Awesome. Our Canadian readers really appreciate it.
Vim: I also drink tea.
TFN: Right, they’ll love that, too. So, next question: What do you do for inspiration?
Vim: First, I expand my lungs. Then, if I had my nose plugged, I unplug it. Sometimes I open my mouth. Afterwards, I check for expiration.
TFN: Fascinating. I suppose it all comes very naturally to you.
Vim: Naturally.
TFN: So, if someone wanted to be like you, say, just to impersonate you for a day or 365-and-a-quarter, how would you recommending he go about it?
Vim: Take a plunge in ice-cold water to wake yourself up every day.
TFN: Do you do that?
Vim: No, that’s what I recommend to any potential impersonators. I prefer doughnuts. And tea.
TFN: So you eat doughnuts for breakfast?
Vim: Lunch and dinner.
TFN: Oh, then what do you eat for breakfast?
Vim: Doughnuts.
TFN: Do you ever eat broccoli soufflé?
Vim: Yes, but usually cooked in a circle with a hole in it. That way it’s still a doughnut.
TFN: I don’t suppose you have any diet advice for our readers?
Vim: Hm, diet… diet… You could try cutting out the coffee. Tea has fluoride in it, you know. Good for the teeth. Thins out the bones, too, for those big-boned fellows.
TFN: So you don’t recommend cutting the doughnuts?
Vim: No, I just bite them.
TFN: I see. Now, one reader wants to know, if you were a day of the week, which day would you be?
Vim: Thursday.
TFN: And another fan asks if you ever spin round and round, trying to hit people with gusts of air, as he does – the fan, I mean.
Vim: Can’t say I have. Sounds dizzying. I do like to flail, occasionally.
TFN: Back to work —
Vim: No, never!
TFN: I mean, back to the subject of work. With a workload like yours, how do you juggle it all?
Vim: One in the air, then the next, then I catch the first while I throw the third. Four is a bit more difficult, you have to do two in each hand. Then five, well, it’s like three, but faster. It’s all about evens and odds.
TFN: What are the odds?
Vim: Pretty bad. One in a million, maybe. Two in a bouillon, if it’s soup.
TFN: Looking around at your office, it’s almost like you have an old curiosity shop here, but instead of selling novelties, you sit around and do nothing.
Vim: Exactly. That’s what curiosity is for, isn’t it? Look for everything, do nothing, say something, say something, anything, and eventually someone will read it. Don’t you think?
TFN: Yes, I — wait, I was asking the questions, sir.
Vim: Were you?
TFN: Yes.
Vim: Then why don’t you start answering some of them?
TFN: I didn’t have time to — I mean, this is all wrong! We’re violating professional journalistic etiquette! Now we’ve got to edit this!
Vim: But that would be unethical, now wouldn’t it? You said this was an exclusive, uncensored interview.
TFN: Yes, but… I mean…
Vim: Now you’re stuck with it. Journalists aren’t allowed to be censors, right? Or are they? Ha! And you call yourself a reporter. I might just demote you.
Phim Phocifero: That would be entirely unprecedented, Vim. We’ve never demoted anyone here.
Ryan Rocifero: Indeed. You’ve promoted me every single year, and I’ve barely done any work. I just rove and rove. Same with Tom Tocifero, and he’s only two or three years old, by the looks of his picture.
Vim: Well, look at the time! It’s almost noon, and I haven’t had my nap yet. Goodnight, boys!
Boys: Goodnight!
There you have it, the enchanting life of Vim Vocifero, Top Hat of the Morning and Night Watchmaker. He may just be the reason that The Flying News was voted Most Valuable Site on the Internet and The Best Thing Since Sliced Cheese.
A note from Vim Vocifero: Jim didn’t tell me he was planning to publish this. If he had, I’d have focused on more important matters. I might have even told you how many weeks Jim wears his socks without washing them.
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