If you hadn’t heard of Barefoot Shoes™ before reading this sentence, now, having read it, you have heard of them. But Barefoot Shoes™ were just a beginning, or only—as one used to say before the invention of the abominable term prequel—a prelude to better things. Last Tuesday, to nearly universal acclaim, Barefoot Shoes Inc. introduced two new Lifestyle™ lines: Shirtless Shirts™ and Commando Undies™ (marketed in Great Britain as Pantless Pants™).
On hearing this news, you are likely to respond in one of the following ways:
- That’s what I’ve always wanted: I need some right this minute?
- What are those people smoking?
If you fall into the second class, there are two ways to answer your question:
- Trust me: you really don’t want to know. But it’s obviously something pretty potent.
- You are clearly ignorant of the many reasons why so many influential people1 are publicly supportive of Barefoot Shoes™.
At this point, it might be appropriate to subject you, gentle reader, to the statement made by Barefoot Shoes™ Chief Lifestyle™ Officer Amber Miller on the official Barefoot Shoes™ ClickClickClick™ video channel:
Whether you know it or not, every time you wear shoes, you are deforming your feet, increasing the likelihood of severe injury, and setting yourself up for severe mental health problems. That’s why you need to wear the shoes that aren’t shoes: Barefoot Shoes™. But recent research shows that not only shoes, but also shirts and underpants, have deleterious effects on the physiology and psyche of their unfortunate wearers. That’s why, in our quest to help the people of this planet achieve peace, harmony, and excellence, we have introduced Shirtless Shirts™ and Commando Undies™. Purchase them right now on our website or at your nearest retailer of trendy merchandise.
If that doesn’t convince you, we don’t know what will.
“Toes ,Foot ,Barefoot,” by Pure male feet via Wikimedia Commons. CC0 1.0.
- Defined here as people who are publicly supportive of Barefoot Shoes™. ↩
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