Nose Running Like a Faucet? Try These Tricks

If your nose is running like a faucet, should you run to the doctor or to the sink? Or call a plumber and hope for the best? According to the self-proclaimed experts, chances are you don’t need a doctor, nurse, or housewife to fix the problem—just a little know-how and some elbow grease.

Tricks for the Faint of Nose

If your nose is running like a faucet…
1. First, try turning off the faucet: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
2. If the above doesn’t work, try plugging your nose (earplugs can work but are not recommended; tissues and rags work better): 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
3. If that doesn’t work, try cutting off supply to the fixture: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
4. If that doesn’t work, try replacing the gaskets: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
5. If that doesn’t work, try replacing the entire valve: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
6. If that doesn’t work, try squeezing really hard: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
7. If that doesn’t work, try replacing your nose: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
8. If that doesn’t work, try standing upside-down in the subway station: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
9. If that doesn’t work, try installing new carpet: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
10. If that doesn’t work, try a clothespin: 99% of the time, this solves the problem.
11. If that doesn’t work, try Szechuan food: 99% of the time, this makes it worse, but the other 1% of the time it solves the problem. Plus, it’s really tasty in a burn-your-tongue sort of way.
12 or 13. If that doesn’t work, go back to bed and enjoy the day off: 99% of the time, this solves the problem, gets you off the hook for any dreaded deadlines at work, makes your wife and kids happier, and gives you plenty of time to think of new ways to organise your ceiling.