Unless circumstances beyond our control intervene, the official COVID-19™ emergency is slated to end on May 11th of this very year. This has caused a certain amount of consternation, and even distress, in some quarters. As one anonymous source explained to our intrepid roving reporter Ryan Rocifero, “COVID-19™ gave us an ideal excuse to avoid pretty much any unpleasant situation. Don’t feel like getting out of bed, answering a call from the boss, snaking the drain, or changing a poopy diaper? Just blame COVID-19™. So now that the emergency is going to end, I really don’t know what I’ll do. I guess I can always blame the dog.”
However, lest you, dear reader, feel sick with foreboding, we have a piece of wonderful news for you. Rumor has it that the United States Congress is debating a bill which, if signed into law, would be called the Universal Post-COVID-19™ Help Under Concerning Konditions (UP-CHUCK) Act. As an unnamed congressional insider told us this morning:
In the long run, one of the most important things we learned from our experience with COVID-19™ is the utility of having a universal excuse. Whether you need to get out of working, getting up in the morning, cleaning your room, or preventing international crises of varying types, being able to say something along the lines of “I couldn’t manage it because of COVID-19™” has been a boon to not only politicians, but even to ordinary citizens of every political party. UP-CHUCK is designed to fill this urgent need. After it passes—and it almost certainly will, as it has wide bipartisan support—we’ll simply refer to the Act in the same way that we currently do to COVID-19™. All it will take is a simple verbal reference: “I know you paid me your life savings to build your dream-house and I gambled it all away, but, you know, UP-CHUCK.” Something like that.
So now we can all heave a deep sigh of relief: even after May 11th, we will still have a universal excuse, thanks to the hard-working and foresightful labors of the 118th congress. Write to your congressional representative today and strongly urge him, her, or it to support this noble effort.
“Excuse me – – – you’re in the way!” by Ann Cook via Wikimedia Commons. CC BY-SA 2.0.
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This is the longest-lasting emergency in the history of the world. How can we just let it end? I’ve been calling 9-1-1 every day since January 2020, and I’m still confused at why they kept asking what the nature of my emergency was. Wasn’t it obvious? And now the boss wants me back in the office. I can’t believe it. In the last 3 years, we’ve proven that 1) Everyone can work at home; 2) We don’t really do any work anyway; 3) I forget what #3 was; 4) Emergencies don’t really kill you; 5) The internet is just as distracting at work as it is at home, especially when all your meetings are on video software with emojis in the chat – so why bother? Plus, I hate bathing and shaving.