How long can you hold your breath? If you could swim a nautical mile in someone else’s shoes, would your feet stink less or more? Is Blackbeard’s treasure at the bottom of the ocean or did the goldfish eat it all? These are the questions you ponder when you think about joining the navy, but the answers are mostly kept top-secret in nondescript file cabinets under the government’s thumb.
So here we are to tell you all the things the government won’t tell you about submarine duty. Admittedly just one aspect of a naval career, it’s one you’d better think about before you take the plunge. Besides, there are other fish in the sea, and some of them make great filets. So if you’re thinking about naval duty, and even if you’re not, read on for the ultimate list of
12 or 13 Things the Government Won’t Tell You about Submarine Duty
1. Ever seen a sunken ship? Ever seen the captain of a sunken ship? No? That’s right, they sink, they disappear, forever.
2. We love midgets! You can fit twice as many! As they say, we’re an “equal opportunity” employer!
3.14159… Some of us even know how to calculate the surface area, and the volume of water it takes to fill a sub.
4. We don’t carry swords anymore, but we do a smashing torpedo.
5. We found the Titanic, and it’s not all it’s trumped up to be. Oh, and we didn’t find the people.
6. Somehow, we never thought to hire a plumber.
7. One time we sailed all the way under Europe and came back out on the other side of Asia. (It’s actually one continent.) By the way, that’s where all the sea monsters live.
8. Yes, goldfish do eat pirate treasure. That’s what makes them gold.
9. There are no good radio stations at the bottom of the ocean.
10. The cook’s favourite food is gruel, so your favourite food is gruel.
11. They don’t make them like they used to. Take that as you will.
12 or 13. Nerf guns. After all, “you’ve got to have something to do when you’re down there for six months,” according to Admiral Shelby.