When to Buy a New Car

Odometer showing lots of miles.

Do you have an automobile? If so, you probably find yourself wondering, every few minutes, things like:
“Do I need a new car?”
“Does my car drive fast enough?”
“Should I start wearing fur coats in the car?”
“Should I stop brushing my teeth in the car?”
“Should I stop running over cute little stray kittens just for the fun of it?”
“What’s that blue thing doing here?”

Well, it’s time to stop wondering. The answers are here.

Use this handy guide to determine if you need a new car.

  1. Does your car run?

    1. Yes: Go to step 6.
    2. No: Continue to next step.
  2. What happens when you kick the tires?
    1. Foot hurts: Continue to next step.
    2. Tire pops: Try patching it with chewing gum, bubble gum, or flubber.
    3. No tires. Go to step 5.
  3. Raise the hood and look at the engine. The engine is usually made of metal, often disguised by a plastic cover. Is the engine present?
    1. Yes: Continue to next step.
    2. No: Take one from your neighbour’s car. If he’s blind, he’ll never notice. Continue to next step.
  4. Walk around the vehicle and check for scratches, dings, blips, and shimmies on the body.
    1. No scratches, dings, or what-you-may-call-its: Try parking near a golf course, skate park, or primary school. Continue to next step.
    2. Bullet holes in the metal: You’re one bad gangsta’! Continue to next step.
    3. All I see is rust, is that a car colour?: No, but some people like it. Continue to next step.
    4. Wait, where’d the windshield go? And the rear window too!?: Ok, it might be time… go to step 6.
  5. Park the car and pop the trunk. Look for the spare tire.
    1. Spare tire is flat: Don’t worry, you don’t need it anyway. Continue to next step.
    2. Spare tire has holes in it from overuse: Add rope and hang from tree to make it into a tire swing for your children, your wife, or your dog. Continue to next step, but first, circle back to step 3 just for the fun of it.
    3. No spare tire in trunk, been driving on it for the last 6 months. Isn’t that what it’s for?: Continue to next step.
  6. Does your spouse say your car is ugly, outdated, “falling apart,” or otherwise too embarrassing to drive?
    1. Yes. It’s a keeper. Drive it til the wheels fall off.
    2. No. Continue to next step.
  7. Do you have any paint handy?
    1. Yes. Try painting the car in tie-dye colors. Go back to previous step.
    2. No. Buy some paint at a big box store. This is a store that sells big boxes, but they usually have paint, too. It doesn’t come in boxes. Try painting the car in tie-dye colors. Go back to previous step.
  8. Congratulations, it’s time to buy a new car! You will now enter the stage of life often referred to as “the worst place in the world, after Hell, Michigan,” where you must deal with new car salesmen, used car salesmen, finance & insurance managers, paint/rust-protection peddlers, and other dirty rotten scoundrels. Best of all, you have to pay for it with YOUR time and money. Check your blood pressure often until your release.

Wrecked car. Like, totally wrecked.

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