Have you ever wondered if your name has a secret meaning? Do you stay up nights and ponder how you came to be called “So-and-so” or “What’s-his-name?” And if, perhaps, therein lies the meaning of your life, which you have diligently searched out here, there, and everywhere, yet still have yet to find?
Search no longer. Look no deeper. For, just now, as you shall see, all the world will be revealed—unveiled, as it were—in its true colour, for all to see. For, behold! astrologers have uncovered yet another mystery in the fabric of the space-time continuum,1 and recently one Master Arthur, Astrologer Superior of the Western Aquarius Aquarium, has undertaken to catalogue every name in the English-speaking world.2 Master Arthur explains in his paper On names and meanings, with emphasis on meaning, that “if known, the meaning of a name tells at once both the character of a man and the purpose for which he exists.”
To find the meaning, Master Arthur employs great astrological skill, such as is seen only in those astrologers who attain to the level of Superior, unbeheld by mere amateurs, and likely to cause severe headache in any others who attempt the exercise. In fact, the meanings of names, once seen, are easily understood and remembered, since they take the form of acrostics; and yet, to discover the right acrostic for a name is “truly a science and an art,” as further stated in Master Arthur’s soon-to-be-published book on the subject.3
We are fortunate to be one of the few news sources Master Arthur trusts enough to publish any of his work, after The Restricted Astrologers Review for Masters and Superiors, which is not generally available to the uninitiated public. And so, Master Arthur has given his kind permission to publish a short list of common4 names with their meanings, which you will find exceedingly enlightening, both for your own name and those of your friends. For the first time, you can now rest soundly, knowing the true meaning of your name as revealed by Master Arthur himself.
So, here we have a selection from his list, in no particular order, starting with the most important names. And if you don’t find your name on this list, feel free to leave a comment below and ask for yours, as Master Arthur is willing to let us post a few more, as long as it helps to sell his books.
Jumping in mud.
Victory is miniscule.
Anyone need dry yams?
Another really tough hamstring under review
Boy ever needy
Can’t anyone tell how entirely rudely I now entertain?
Don’t ask no imbecilic evening locutions.
Did a video, I did.
Even makeup insults little you.
From redundant acreage nuts can infiltrate seedlings.
Good riddance. Exactly. That’s all.
Highly irritating lyrics draw entire gatherings at rodeo drive-thru.
I am N-idiot.
I am not.
Yes vou are.
Intelligent numbskull grown roughly introspective descends.
Joy ends now, not yesterday.
Just order him none.
Jolly old elf
Jolly old selfish elvish peasant hero
Just use some toiletries if needed.
Kangaroo arm tastes excellent.
Kareless runner in statuary turban arrives before expectant launderer.
Lift up, curl in, use safely.
Might already remember you.
Might answer to this here ear wax.
Maybe I can’t handle any elephant lips!
Not everyone dies.
Over peppered abacus lover
Problems are under lampshades.
Quid urit in numinis cerebellis Yemenensis?
Read ye all news.
So anyone like, like you?
Sad another neptune didn’t yield
Too old man
Too ill man
Thinks humongous errors oppose divulging odorous reminders everywhere
Unfit lipstick yellows sassy, saucey, eggless soufflés.
Visible imitation covers true ornamentation regarding inner aircraft.
Will I linger longingly in amaranthine mansion?
Xenophobic actor verily improves effortless repertoire
You obviously laugh at nerds dancing affirmatively.
Zebra or mollusk behaves intentionally except mundane afternoon naps.