Discover the Secret Meaning of Your Name

What I Legibly Lament I Always Maintain.

Have you ever wondered if your name has a secret meaning? Do you stay up nights and ponder how you came to be called “So-and-so” or “What’s-his-name?” And if, perhaps, therein lies the meaning of your life, which you have diligently searched out here, there, and everywhere, yet still have yet to find?

Search no longer. Look no deeper. For, just now, as you shall see, all the world will be revealed—unveiled, as it were—in its true colour, for all to see. For, behold! astrologers have uncovered yet another mystery in the fabric of the space-time continuum,1 and recently one Master Arthur, Astrologer Superior of the Western Aquarius Aquarium, has undertaken to catalogue every name in the English-speaking world.2 Master Arthur explains in his paper On names and meanings, with emphasis on meaning, that “if known, the meaning of a name tells at once both the character of a man and the purpose for which he exists.”

To find the meaning, Master Arthur employs great astrological skill, such as is seen only in those astrologers who attain to the level of Superior, unbeheld by mere amateurs, and likely to cause severe headache in any others who attempt the exercise. In fact, the meanings of names, once seen, are easily understood and remembered, since they take the form of acrostics; and yet, to discover the right acrostic for a name is “truly a science and an art,” as further stated in Master Arthur’s soon-to-be-published book on the subject.3

We are fortunate to be one of the few news sources Master Arthur trusts enough to publish any of his work, after The Restricted Astrologers Review for Masters and Superiors, which is not generally available to the uninitiated public. And so, Master Arthur has given his kind permission to publish a short list of common4 names with their meanings, which you will find exceedingly enlightening, both for your own name and those of your friends. For the first time, you can now rest soundly, knowing the true meaning of your name as revealed by Master Arthur himself.

So, here we have a selection from his list, in no particular order, starting with the most important names. And if you don’t find your name on this list, feel free to leave a comment below and ask for yours, as Master Arthur is willing to let us post a few more, as long as it helps to sell his books.

Jim
Jumping in mud.

Vim
Victory is miniscule.

Al
Always late

Andy
Anyone need dry yams?

Arthur
Another really tough hamstring under review

Ben
Boy ever needy

Catherine
Can’t anyone tell how entirely rudely I now entertain?

Daniel
Don’t ask no imbecilic evening locutions.

David
Did a video, I did.

Emily
Even makeup insults little you.

Francis
From redundant acreage nuts can infiltrate seedlings.

Greta
Good riddance. Exactly. That’s all.

Hildegard
Highly irritating lyrics draw entire gatherings at rodeo drive-thru.

Ian
I am N-idiot.

Ian
I am not.

Yva
Yes vou are.

Ingrid
Intelligent numbskull grown roughly introspective descends.

Jenny
Joy ends now, not yesterday.

John
Just order him none.

Joe
Jolly old elf

Joseph
Jolly old selfish elvish peasant hero

Justin
Just use some toiletries if needed.

Kate
Kangaroo arm tastes excellent.

Kristabel
Kareless runner in statuary turban arrives before expectant launderer.

Will Everyone Including Ronald Die?

Lucius
Lift up, curl in, use safely.

Mary
Might already remember you.

Matthew
Might answer to this here ear wax.

Michael
Maybe I can’t handle any elephant lips!

Ned
Not everyone dies.

Opal
Over peppered abacus lover

Paul
Problems are under lampshades.

Quincy
Quid urit in numinis cerebellis Yemenensis?

Ryan
Read ye all news.

Sally
So anyone like, like you?

Sandy
Sad another neptune didn’t yield

Tom
Too old man

Tim
Too ill man

Theodore
Thinks humongous errors oppose divulging odorous reminders everywhere

Ulysses
Unfit lipstick yellows sassy, saucey, eggless soufflés.

Victoria
Visible imitation covers true ornamentation regarding inner aircraft.

William
Will I linger longingly in amaranthine mansion?

Xavier
Xenophobic actor verily improves effortless repertoire

Yolanda
You obviously laugh at nerds dancing affirmatively.

Zombieman
Zebra or mollusk behaves intentionally except mundane afternoon naps.

  1. Whatever that is.
  2. That’s pretty much the whole world, I think.
  3. The Book of Names According to Master Arthur, New Astrology Press, London.
  4. Relatively speaking.

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