Automatic Bathroom Fixtures Lead To Weight Gain

A new study, “Automated Bathroom Fixtures as a Contribution to Obesity in So-Called Advanced Societies,” appeared last Tuesday in the Journal of Luddite Studies Concerning Advanced Technology. This article, by Silvius Fractor and Jacob Leland, argues persuasively that a significant and previously unrecognized factor in the so-called obesity epidemic is the proliferation of automated bathroom fixtures.

Think about it like this: whenever you flush the toilet by pushing the little lever, turn on the sink by twisting the handle, open the door by turning the knob, or turn on the light by flipping the switch, you are burning calories. And calories, as everyone knows, are what make you fat.

So the next time you are in the bathroom and the toilet starts to flush automatically, ask yourself this question: “Do I want to get fat?”

If the answer is a resounding yes, then you should consider joining The Society for a Fat America. Then you can rest content, knowing that you will never have to wastefully burn up calories in the bathroom again.

If, on the other hand, the answer is no, then you should consider taking action. What kind of action? The authors of the study referred to above suggest, in typical Luddite fashion, breaking up the bathroom fixtures. This would certainly involve the expenditure of a certain amount of calories, but it might lead to a mess, as well as possible legal consequences.

Another solution would be to insist on flushing the toilet yourself (despite the preemptive and presumably successful attempt of the toilet). Since no handy lever is available, you will need to go to the sink, fill a container with water, and empty your container into the toilet until the fixture gets the idea and proceeds to flush. If you don’t have a container at hand, you could use one of your shoes.

This solution, however, might seem a bit wasteful. So you could simply do two or three jumping-jacks or pushups every time you use the facilities.

“BMI weight obesity scale” by Thiruthonti. CC BY-SA via wikimedia commons. Altered by The Flying News.
“FrameBreaking-1812,” uploaded by Chris Sunde. Public domain.

1 Comment

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  1. Jack Sprat says:

    I have been doing jumping-jacks in the stalls for years. They’re a bit tight, but I’ve learned to dodge the toilet fairly well. Sometimes I also do handstands on the toilet, to practice my balance. However, I make sure I’m not wearing a necklace first, since once it fell in, and, well, that’s the other reason I hate those automated flushers.

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