There’s been a lot of talk (maybe a little too much talk) these days about the newest coronavirus on the block,1 and everyone seems to be running away from it, without knowing exactly which way to run. But, lest we forget all the other looming, lurking, dark, and dreary diseases out there, we decided to lighten things up a bit by telling you how you can
PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE PLAGUE
in 12 or 13 easy steps.
Step 1. Lock yourself in a room.
Step 2. Do not make contact with, talk to, phone, email, or “text message” anyone. In these days of electronic viruses, diseases can even spread through wireless mobile phone signals. Or so they say.
Step 3. Remove all bacteria/viruses from your room. If you can’t see them, they’re still there. Remove everything you can see, because they’re in those things. This includes furniture, telephones, light fixtures, clothing, bedding, carpets and other flooring, walls, insulation, subfloor, foundation, dirt/earth, air, etc., etc.
Step 4. Wash your hands upside-down and backwards. Every clown in medical school learns this one.
Step 5. Shower several times a day.
Step 6. Do not eat any organic matter, i.e., food made from plant or animal products, especially ones with “organic” in the name, like “organic peanut butter.” Viruses usually live in organic matter, as can be seen by a quick scan of their addresses in the telephone book.
Step 7. Stop breathing. Many diseases, including The Plague,2 enter through mouth and nose. If you must breathe, take long breaks between breaths and filter out any virus/bacteria matter you find in the air before it enters your nose/mouth. You may use vacuum cleaner bags for filters.3
Step 8. Consider decommissioning your nasal passages altogether. According to one doctor, “They’re basically a pair of French doors with a sign that says ‘Germs Welcome,’ or shall we say ‘Les Germes Sont Bienvenus!'”
Step 9. Stop sharing root beer floats with your coworkers. Seriously. Separate straws does not make it sanitary.
Step 10. If all else fails, hide under your pillow.
Step 11. If all else fails, burn your pillow.
Step 12 or 13. If all else fails. . . Everyone dies anyway.
If you happen to survive, consider purchasing a commemorative T-shirt:
Soon they’ll be installing voice-activated doors, called Disease Doors or Pandemic Ports, depending on which side of the Atlantic you live on, in every home and business.