You’ll Never Guess What This Article Is About

Comparison of nutrition facts on juice and sour cream.

What is this article really about? An excellent question. Glad you asked. And by the by, there are no stupid questions—only stupid people. Scientists have been seeking an answer for decades, if not centuries. Philosophers have been pondering it for ages. It even has the world’s most astute theologians baffled.

There are three chickens for every mallard. Last Sunday, several people died within a three-mile radius. My neighbour has three cars,1 no children, and his wife doesn’t even drive. And yet, no one has claimed the vast, prolific, forested expanses of Antarctica. Besides that, it was three o’clock in the afternoon when the clock struck “three.” The mouse ran down, but the cockroaches keep rising. And if you are a palindromist, drab as time emits a bard, you would stop mid-sentence.

It’s times like these when people ask, where do you get a canopy for a pillowcase? And why should we invest in so much gold when the standard of living is peanut butter? It’s not the government’s job to reduce headaches, but is aspirin safe for valve handles? These are the answers for which most New Englanders (and some old ones) are looking.

Due to constraints beyond all telling, astronauts have been unable to reach the bottom of the sinkhole, but they are still trying. In November, one team of dinosaurs reached a conclusion, only to realise it was the edge of a cliff. And this was not a James Bond movie, this was real invention. Fact or fiction, there were cards stacked to the floor. The ceiling was under construction, mostly because the darling child threw up, that is, vomited, like a volcano named Everest. And what they found is that 47% of the people made up almost half the population, a staggering figure by any roll of the dice.

Since logic is always counterintuitive, it follows that the planet is heading for the utter end of the solar system, i.e., the opposite side of the sun. Still, few are any the wiser, if you judge by the papers.

His book was an instant success, measured by the failures, selling millions of snakes by the handful. After the welcoming ceremony, he cut the cord and released it into the public domain, so his heirs had no inheritance, at least not in royalties. The Queen, of course, held onto hers, but only because of weak and uncertain parliamentary procedure. Constitutional or not, she is the head of the body she rests on, and that to an outsider is purely theoretical. She was younger then, but so was the author, and after all he left it to his heirs to pick up the pieces. When parliament returns, they vote yay or nay, almost in unison.

Returning to our case, in India let’s say, there are still vipers, but Malta is at peace. Are there weapons? Certainly, if you count the knives and forks. Spoons are debatable. It has nothing to do with the headline. Which is why you’ll never guess what this article is actually about.

  1. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

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