Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert the looming disaster of not having a present for your second cousin.

For the Mathematician on your list: Mathematicians, or at least so I hear, are somehow or other connected with numbers. So the logical thing to give your favorite mathematician is something numerical. Three is a fairly popular number these days, so we suggest you thrill that mathematician with a genuine number three.

For the Bicyclist on your list: What does every cyclist need? Visibility! What else? A way to get rid of that annoying car that’s following too closely. He could, of course, just pull out his Z-Phone and blast away. But maybe the cyclist on your list is a technophobe (like Tom Tocifero), or maybe he is afraid that carrying a cell-phone while he rides will give him butt cancer. Whatever the case may be, you need to get that cyclist a Personal Defense Laser, PDL. This unique product scans the area behind his bicycle, and if a motor vehicle encroaches on his personal space, it shoots out a pulse of high intensity laser light and punctures the vehicles tires.1 The product has received an enthusiastic reception from cyclists (even though it is not effective against hovercraft and UFOs).

For the Dancer on your list: Dancing is a very demanding physical activity. So give the dancer on your Christmas list something that will encourage him to give his legs a break. We suggest some gyves, also known as leg shackles. If this suggestion does not appeal to you, consider a painting kit.

For the Grandpa on your list: Grandpas, by definition, have grandchildren. This means that many of them are rather old, although this is not necessarily the case. And since even very old grandpas might not like to be reminded of their age, you should make sure to give the grandpa on your list a present that will make him (or her) feel young. We suggest a rattle or a pacifier.

For the Lazy Man on your list: The lazy man on your list is likely to not even bother opening the present. So just wrap an empty box in fancy paper.

For the Astrologer on your list: This is one gift we can help you out with directly. Just send the astrologer to the horoscope from our Twentieth Anniversary Edition.

For the Martian on your list: Do you have a Martian on your list? Call us so we can schedule an interview.

And don’t forget: whenever you give a gift, be sure to enclose a nice card.

“Christmas Gifts (Geschenke 2007),” by Sigismund von Dobschütz. GFDL or CC BY-SA 4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. The British version punctures its tyres instead.

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