How To Make Italian Ice

A small tree covered in snow.

Good morning, afternoon, or evening, depending on when you are reading this. An astute reader has sent us an astute question, as follows:

Dear The Flying News,
How do you make Italian ice? I’m very astute, aren’t I? [sic]
Thank you,
Astute Reader
Charleston, SC

So, here we are to explain to our Astute Reader, and all other readers, how it is we make Italian ice.

  1. First, get some Italian water.

    1. This may require a trip to Italy.
    2. Unless you are already in Italy.
    3. In which case, it would not.
    4. Proceed with caution.
  2. Put it in a bucket.
    1. Make sure the bucket has no holes.
    2. If there is a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, then fix it, dear Henry.
  3. Bring it home.
    1. This may require a return trip from Italy.
    2. Unless you were originally in Italy.
  4. Put it in the freezer.
    1. This may require a freezer.
    2. If you don’t have a freezer, check your local grocer. Grocers usually have freezers.
  5. Return tomorrow.
    1. This may require a trip to the grocer, if 4b applies.
    2. Not applicable.
  6. Now you have Italian Ice!
    1. Rinse and repeat.
    2. Rinse and repeat.
  7. For more authentic Italian Ice, freeze it in Italy. Then bring it home.
    1. This may require a trip to Italy.
    2. Unless you are an iceberg.

A word of caution: Italians may become suspicious if they catch you stealing their water. If this happens, try pretending to be a statue. Europeans sometimes pay money to people who pretend to be statues. They really like statues there.1

  1. Apparently more than they like real people.

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