Tectonic Knights Attacking West Coast of America (Still)

Flags of certain states.

It is widely reported that some underground cultish warriors have been attacking the West Coast of North America on a somewhat regular basis for as long as any of us can remember. These warriors are known as Tectonic Knights. Apparently, they form something called Vault Lines and try to knock down any building that happens to be either adjacent or tangential to these lines, which, despite the mathematical definition of a line, are not very straight.

These Tectonic Forces like to do a sort of dance they call the Seismic Wave, in which they move back and forth in synchronised fashion, and push down houses, bridges, and large statuary in order to disrupt the cultural and historical roots of the non-Native Americans who are born in this part of America. Some have tried to counter their attacks with instruments known as seismometers, which have thus far proven unsuccessful and practically impotent. Others have taken a different approach by re-engineering buildings and bridges (ignoring the statuary), to create fortresses supposed to be impenetrable and immune to the Tectonic Knights’ tactics.

Though their warfare is generally of a mechanical nature, some people report feeling “tremors” related to the attacks, so there seems to be a hint of either psychological or biological warfare involved as well. However, it may be purely a fear factor (i.e. wimpiness), as usually these sort of things are reported mostly by people who move to the area from other states, whom the “locals” often scorn with contempt.

Apart from their Seismic Wave, which requires no musical accompaniment, “Tectonic” music (called “Tecto” for short) has also started taking hold in some areas, where they are brainwashing the youth to join their cause, using powerful, repetitive, and hypnotic beats along with “moshing” which simulates the feeling of their attacks. This is breeding a sub-culture in which people actually enjoy the Tectonic forces, and thus want to join in the attacks themselves.

Authorities are currently seeking new methods of defence against the Tectonic Knights by means of “crowd-sourcing” on major social media websites. Some ideas given so far by the clever Americans on social media (the cream of the crop, as they say) include the following:

  • selling doughnuts to the Tectonic Knights (who “probably just haven’t gotten a taste of good ol’ American food yet”)
  • giving them free televisions to brainwash or de-brainwash them, depending on your point of view, and
  • establishing a Tectonic Knights fraternity with really good keg parties.

So far few have suggested nuclear war as a remedy, perhaps seeing it as a self-defeating method since the results are more or less what the Tectonic Knights are seeking.

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