While it’s likely you’ve at least heard of “chard,” you may, regrettably, have only the merest passing acquaintance with the substance. So we won’t assume anything. Rather, we’ll begin with the assumption that you’re about in the position of one of those hapless souls who purchases a “For the Complete and Total Moron” style publication.
First of all, what is chard? Good question. Chard is a vegetable, that is, a substance which, while technically edible, does not taste like a doughnut. We have also discovered that some authorities hold chard to be a plant. However, this view seems contradictory to the first. After all, trees are plants, and are not eaten, except by beavers.
Second question: what should you do with chard? This question is much more difficult than the first. Although we have not tried this ourselves, it is likely possible to eat chard. Should this prove other than appetizing, we suggest you try the following recipe:
- Secure a quantity of chard. We leave the exact measurement to your imagination.
- Build a fire. Why? If you need to ask, you are reading the wrong publication.
- Apply fire to chard until charred.
- Eat a doughnut.
- Repeat as desired.
Warning, Caution, Caveat, and Disclaimer: Fire is both intrinsically and extrinsically dangerous. You should not play with, employ, use, utilize, or otherwise even think about fire if you have the least inclination to file civil suits, legal actions, or take personal action against websites, humor publications, humour publications, or their personnel, writers, editors, or other employees, paid or otherwise. By opening this webpage, you agree to hold harmless of all harm, intentional or accidental, all such persons as you may blame or hold responsible for any actual, constructive, or alleged harm. You also agree that this recipe does not constitute the giving of legal, culinary, or pyrotechnic advice, and that you will not, under any circumstances, consume, partake of, or even think about, chard, charred or uncharred.
Above: Detail of “Parasitized aphids on chard leaf,” by Downtowngal. Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons.
Page Featured Image: “Bette à côtes rouges01,” by JH Mora, May 2005. CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.