A Cure for the Common Cold? A New Study Suggests that Breathing may be the Problem

A new study by Harvard physician Harvey Hess published on Tuesday in the Journal of Authentic Medicine
(JAM) provides strong evidence that breathing is a significant cause of the common cold. While airborne viruses and air pollution are widely recognized as significant causes of the cold, Hess shows that the absorption of oxygen in the lungs is strongly correlated with an increase in the incidence of nasopharyngitis, rhinopharyngitis, and acute coryza, that is, that breathing leads to colds.

One of the most challenging aspects of the study, Hess relates, was to find a control group of non-breathers. The first possible candidate groups which he considered included fish, marine snails, bacteria, and sponges (none of which have lungs). However, Hess ended up rejecting these possibilities as unsuitable, and managed to persuade fourteen Philadelphians to undergo a surgical procedure involving the removal of the lungs and the implantation of a newly patented device which oxygenates the blood by means of an artificial semipermeable membrane, an apparatus he calls the Oxygenator™. “Since this was a fairly serious surgery,” Hess states, “We had to provide them with fairly significant compensation. In addition to a substantial cash payment, we offered our volunteers a lifetime of free medical care, as many doughnuts as they can eat, and a guarantee of the latest model Playstation® for as long as the Playstation® company lasts.”

While Hess has not revealed any details, he has indicated that he hopes to produce a commercial version of the Oxygenator™. “As the common cold is not only irritating and unpleasant, but also exceedingly common, I have no doubt that those who can afford the procedure will be lining up in long lines for lung removal and Oxygenator™ implantation.

1 Comment

Add a Comment
  1. Julian says:

    Wow. this is really ground-breaking. I’m going to put down my deposit today. You can’t imagine how miserable colds make me.

Add a Comment Here (This Means You!):

Your email is safe and will not be published, shared, sold, bought, or used to order doughnuts. Required fields are marked *

Note that, in an effort to prevent comment spam and manipulation by computational bacteria, certain words (including a number of brand names) will prevent your comment from being submitted.