Simulated Windows Save Energy

Shutters in a rainstorm

A new poll from the International Energy Association (IEA) found that about 82% of people would prefer to pay less for electricity. The other 18% must be idiots. But the poll brings up a very good point, which is the desire for more energy-saving devices in the home. And the newest one is so simple, you’d never even think of it.

But Industrial Miniscule would. The company has invented a new solution to the problem of windows that lack “energy efficiency.” You see, all windows, even the best and brightest, are known for leaking little bits of electricity up through the atmosphere, up where the air is clear, etc. On any given day, you will hardly notice the amount of electricity leaking, as it is usually measured in microwatts. But over time, it builds up—or should we say “down”—and pretty soon you find yourself wondering where you put all those piles of electricity that went missing from your living room, bedroom, and bathtub. You may even blame your spouse for losing it somewhere, or letting it out with the dog. However, it’s not that you misplaced the electricity; rather, it is leaking slowly out your windows. After all, glass may be airtight, but it’s not electricity-tight.

Speaking of windows, if you haven’t yet entered our Horoscope Contest, the deadline is fast approaching. Hurry over there, you could win a free bumper sticker.

So what is this new “solution to all your problems,” as Industrial Miniscule calls it?1 Their newest product is the Simulated Window. By some stroke of genius, the engineers at Industrial Miniscule have invented a box that installs on your wall, with just a few screws and drywall anchors,2 that looks just like a real window, but isn’t. It’s more like a picture frame with window glass and a bug screen in it, plus a computerised image of the out-of-doors.

What’s more, it’s entirely customisable. You can change the scenery at will or whim, with just the press of a button. Hidden on the side of the moulding framing the “window” is a small button, also called the “clicker,” which you press to switch from night to day, city to country, mountain to beach, etc. And if you need more than the 230 built-in channels, you can purchase a monthly subscription to Industrial Miniscule’s downloadable collection of stock photos. You can even get “Angry Neighbour,” “Springtime Birdhouse,” and “Bees Mating In The Garden,” images which are available with the small monthly premium. If you are an amateur photographer desiring to use your own photos, you can buy the Personal USB Connection for a few more pounds per month. And for added privacy, you can purchase the Coordinated Drapery Simulator, which blocks 99.9% of the light going in or out of the Simulated Window, and comes with Industrial Miniscule’s special guarantee: “If your neighbours ever see you through it, we’ll beat them up!”

Because it’s so easy to install, Industrial Miniscule recommends consumers “purchase at least two for each room in the house, including the basement, attic, and bathrooms.” It’s never been this easy to add the look of windows to any room in the house, so “Go wild! The sky’s the limit! Literally!” Or so said sales representative Mark Kram.

So should you get rid of those old, leaky, see-through windows and buy the new Simulated Window? Well, if you do, your spouse will thank you. Your dog will thank you. Your neighbours will thank you. Your newspaper delivery man probably won’t thank you, but who knows? Maybe he’s the sort of chap who prefers privacy, too.3

  1. They even go so far as to call it a “new form of renewable energy,” a statement on which we will refrain from commenting.
  2. Not necessarily in that order.
  3. If Industrial Miniscule decides to give us a fee sample of their Simulated Window, we would be happy to test it and give our review. For now, we cannot make an official recommendation.

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