Even Better Ways to Save Electricity

Farmhouse. Real farmhouse.

Are you still paying those darned electric bills every month? Want to find a way out of it?

Try these tips to save tons of electricity1 without paying for expensive generators, windmills, or solar panels.2

Tip #1. Turn off your computer when you’re using it.
What you probably haven’t realised is that a laptop computer can be just as useful as a T.V. tray. Close it up, and you have the perfect amount of space for a small pre-cooked grocery store freezer meal, and a soft drink of your choice.

Tip #2. Turn off the television when you’re using it.
Tape some photos from old magazines—travel, cooking, and model railroad magazines are all popular choices—to the television to watch while you eat your junk food. Every five minutes or so, swap pictures, and you can have a fabulous picture show without using any electricity.

Tip #3. Turn off the stereo while you listen to it.
The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel sounds so much better this way.

Tip #4. Turn off the lights.
This is easy during the day. At night, you might need a candle, or a seeing eye dog. If that doesn’t work, try a blind cane.

Tip #5. Unplug the refrigerator, oven/stove, microwave, etc.
Instead of refrigerating food, buy everything in cans. Canned milk, canned fruit, canned vegetables—none of it needs refrigerating if you eat the whole thing in one go. And most canned food is pre-cooked, so you can throw out the oven and microwave.

Tip #6. Give up expensive hobbies.
Power tools? Alarm clocks? Electric razors and toothbrushes? Electric chairs? All of these “hobby toys” use tons3 of electricity, and all of them are completely frivolous. Give them to the neighbours, and watch their electric bills soar through the roof while yours plummets into oblivion. Ah, the feeling of saved energy!

There you have it, blokes. And you thought saving electricity was difficult! Now you know how to do it the easy way. And you’ll never look at the electric bill the same way again.

For more tips on saving electricity, call Bob “the Watts” Watson, Professional Electricity Saver-Upper, who has never wired up his 300-year-old stone house in the Old Country. I’d give you his phone number, but he doesn’t have one, since that would require electricity.

  1. Technically, electricity is not measured in tons. It is usually measured in Watts, as in “Watts with the lights, I can’t see a darned thing!”
  2. Technically, generators, windmills, and solar panels do not save any electricity. They just change the source from which you get it.
  3. That is, Watts.

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