Theme Weddings

From the very name, you can almost certainly guess what a theme wedding is: a wedding with a theme.

“But,” you might be inclined to respond, “so what?”

If you don’t have any plans for a wedding in the near future, your unthinking reaction could well be to think that a theme wedding is, in a word, irrelevant.

That would, be a grave and most unfortunate mistake.

A mistake? Definitely. You see, it is not enough simply to avoid deliberately attending a wedding (themed or otherwise). You must also exercise constant care to avoid finding yourself in the middle of someone else’s—or worse, your own—theme wedding.

For example, imagine you are walking down the street, innocently minding your own business. Nothing is further from your thoughts than marriage. You glance casually at the trio of young women disporting in the shade of a birch grove when, from the shrubbery bursts a muscular man clad only in the skin of a lesser Asian dwarf white rhinoceros and carrying a nobbly club. You stare, transfixed with horror, as he strikes one of the women, throws her over his bare shoulder, and carries her away. Of course, being an ordinary and chivalrous person, you rush to interfere, either by clobbering the club-wielding barbarian with your mighty fist, or by calling the police with your invincible cell phone.

What, alas, you have failed to realize, is that you have committed a faux pas of proportions which can only be termed gigantique. By boorishly interrupting a barbarian theme wedding, you have, so to speak, put your foot in it.

That is the reason you need to attend to this new trend: the theme wedding.

Next week, we’ll complete this article with a discussion of the most important themes for theme weddings.

“Gege (workshop) Sieben Sakramente 7 Ehe,” by Werkstatt Gege, Seehausen am Staffelsee (Dr. Fischer Kunstauktionen). Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.

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