Secret Cures for Secret Diseases

Pewter Pan Pancakes taste great with high-fructose corn syrup!

If you spend much time online, you surely know that there are simple and easy cures for everything from diabetes to internet addiction to the complete absence of a sense of humor. But did you know that there is a host of secret diseases equally in need of a cure?


The sad truth is that you can live your whole life suffering from one of these diseases, and never even know it.


What, then, should you do? The first thing you need is a diagnosis: what disease do you have?

  • Fantastic Limb Syndrome: You think your arms are muscular (when they’re really not).
  • Calor Urticarius: You feel uncomfortable in the heat. You sweat on hot days.
  • William Clinton Syndrome: You think that women are attracted to you.
  • Pecunia Transferre Disorder: You try to transfer funds from one account to another when no funds are available.
  • POETS (Polylogoid, Oiomegaly, Enteropathy, T proteins, and Speech abnormalities) Syndrome: You believe you have a talent for the sublime, sophisticated, and elegant use of language (While finding it difficult to speak in grammatically correct sentences).
  • North American Sleeping Syndrome: You fall asleep during meetings or classes.

Take a close look at the symptoms above to determine which of these secret diseases you have contracted. Now . . . you need a cure.

  • Fantastic Limb Syndrome: Look for a weak person. Perhaps a two year old. Arm wrestle the weak person. Repeat until you can win.
  • Calor Urticarius: Drink two glasses of water. Wait approximately one hundred-eighty days.
  • William Clinton Syndrome: Mirror. Look in it.
  • Pecunia Transferre Disorder: This one is actually somewhat difficult to cure. You might try canceling your credit card accounts.
  • POETS (Polylogoid, Oiomegaly, Enteropathy, T proteins, and Speech abnormalities) Syndrome: Read The Flying News. Pay particular attention to our literary contributions.
  • North American Sleeping Syndrome: Move to South America.


Add a Comment
  1. The Buck Stops Here says:

    I think I have the Pecunia Somethingorother disorder. But usually, I do that on my wife’s account, and she always gets mad at me. Why we have two accounts, I’m not really sure. She said something about bouncing, not really sure what that meant, since neither of us owns a trampoline. Anyway, I’ve been budgeting for at least two days now, and comparing my income to the amount I’ve spent it seems like I’ll be a millionaire by the time I’m 30, so I think we’re pretty safe. I’m not so sure about her finances, though, she’s always spending money on things like groceries, I really wish she would stop. By the way, you guys are awesome, I can’t thank you enough for all the happiness you’ve brought into my life.

  2. Lusor sermonum says:

    Is your wife a golfer? Bounce has something to do with golf clubs–I’m not a golfer myself–and she may have been thinking about using her account to buy a new club.

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