New York Newspaper No Longer To Use Four Letter Words

In a landmark blow for linguistic and orthographic equality, a famous New York newspaper has made the decision to eliminate all words of four letters.

“For a long time now,” says director of publicity and propaganda Bob Brzezinszki, “we have illegitimately discriminated against a small group of four letter words, to the point of excluding them almost entirely from appearing in print in our publication. After much thought, anguished personal and moral growth, and consultation with a world-renowned firm of marketing experts, we have come to the decision that we ought not discriminate in this way. Henceforth, our policy will apply to all four-letter-words with complete equality. We hope, by this act, to have done our part to usher in a new dawn of linguistic liberty.”

While some readers have praised this decision, not all are pleased. Suzette Slivers of South Brooklyn indignantly protested, in a letter to the editor, that “Elimination is not equality. If you eliminate the whole group, they are still not equal. They’re just eliminated.”

Other readers have gone so far as to accuse the journal of linguicide. So far as we know, no official response to these accusations has been tendered. In fact, in a secret communication, Brzezinszki reported that the paper is considering extending the ban to words of three and five letters.

“Equal rights . . . (3580742598),” by stevebott. CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Alterations by The Flying News.

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