Here at The Flying News Headquarters, we’re hard pressed to keep up with all the mail we receive. But once in a while, we try to answer a few of the questions people ask us, even if they’re mostly stupid questions. After all, we truly value our readers . . . and their pets. Hopefully these answers aren’t too late for the edification of the askers!
(To submit a question, use the form here.)
Feb 29, 2016
Dear The Flying News,
My wife swallowed a watermelon seed about 7 months months ago, and I think it’s growing in her stomach now. What should we do?
-Reader
Dear Reader,
Wait a couple more months until it looks fully ripe, then ask a midwife to help you get it out (I hear midwives like watermelons). However, once you see it, you probably won’t want to eat it. Hopefully you’ll figure out what to do with it then. Oh—and you might want to take her out for Chinese food.
-Jim
Ides of March, 2016
Dear News That Flews,
What ho! How so?
-asofijkwerman
Dear asofijkwerman,
Who knows?
-Jim
P.S. Next time try using a more pronounceable screen name. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to read your letter.
July 31, 2016
Oh Great The Flying News,
I was practising my amateur plumbing skills and dropped my wedding ring in the toilet. Can I still wear it?
-Joe the Amateur
Dear Joe the Amateur,
Yes, but not while it’s in the toilet.
-Jim
August 1, 2016
Dear The Flying News,
Can I get one of those cool bumper stickers I see on everyone’s car?
-Cruiser
Dear Cruiser,
Indeed. We give one out with every donation of $5 or more. See the right sidebar or clickety-click here for more information.
-Jim
August 11, 2016
Dear The Flying News,
I need to win the lottery so I can quit my job and be even lazier. What’s my lucky number for today?
-MoneyMan94
Dear MoneyMan94,
Thank you for your inquiry. Based on your screen name, I assume you are aware that you are the 94th person to ask us this today. Your lucky number for today is 13. Good luck!
-Jim
Once again, to ask your own question, use the form here.
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