Have You Walked Your Lawn Mower Today?

Jim Jocifero
29 July 2016
Lawnmower toy (fork).

If you’re like most Homeowners (and of course you are), you have one or two pet lawn mowers in your garage, shed, or rusting out in your yard. But many Homeowners do not know how to properly care for their lawn mowers. In fact, most of us could probably be convicted of Lawn Mower Neglect at some time or other, if our treatment of lawn mowers ever happened to be caught on video and shared on social media.

Like most beasts of burden, the lawn mower needs to be fed, watered, and given rest once in awhile. But most of all, the lawn mower needs to be walked. If you’ve ever walked a 5-foot tall great dane, you know it’s not easy, but it must be done. In fact, if it isn’t done, your great dane will probably become your not-so-great dane, eventually becoming a hound of heaven who will take you for more than a walk—and believe me, I know. Anyway, lawn mowers are no different.

By taking your lawn mower for a walk, you can give it some much-needed exercise, preferably in a restful, relaxing atmosphere, where it can meet other lawn mowers and resharpen its blades a bit. Taking it to a shady park with a purpose-built walkway paid for by the town in which you reside is an excellent choice. You’ll also want to bring along some toys for it to play with, such as a tennis or golf ball that it can fetch, an old shoe for it to chew up, or even a fork or other piece of flatware. If you don’t already have these items, don’t fret! for lawn mowers are great at finding one or two of each in almost any grassy area. They seem to instinctively hone in on exactly those sort of things, as if it’s in their DNA.1

Walking your lawn mower can last anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours, 36 minutes, and 4 seconds (Greenwich Median Time), so you should bring along the sunscreen, a sombrero, a bottle of water that you paid several pounds2 for, and a can of WD-40. Being thus prepared, you may find your neighbours even asking you to borrow your equipment, and inquiring where you bought that cool hat.3

And finally, don’t forget to wear closed-toed shoes, in case your lawn mower gets a little too playful with you.

  1. Scientists currently studying lawn mower DNA are trying to isolate the gene for this instinct, but the evidence for it so far is inconclusive. ↩
  2. Or scores of shillings, or loads of ha’pennies. ↩
  3. Tell them it was your second-to-last trip to Cancun—that’s in Mexico—rather than the costume section of the thrift store. ↩

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